What's Considered, "Trivial"?

I knew it was coming. I’ve been dreading it ever since I knew what wisdom teeth were. It was bound to happen, and the anticipation now is no worse than I thought it would be. I didn’t want to appear weak, though, because that would make it worse. So I put on my brave face, faked indifference. But even a mask can get stuffy, and I have to vent it all out of my system before 10:00 a.m. tomorrow.

I’m afraid. Horribly, unequivocally afraid of what will happen, getting my wisdom teeth out. My first experience with surgery, ever. And I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of falling into nothingness, falling to the anesthesia.

I’m afraid of getting killed by it.

I’m afraid of waking up.

I’m afraid of the stitches.

I’m afraid of the pain.

I’m afraid of the swelling. Of the stiffness.

I’m afraid of the guaze I have to bite on.

I’m afraid of the blood.

I’m afraid of drooling.

I’m afraid of the ice I’ll have to use.

I’m afraid of the medicine I’ll have to take.

I’m worried about how I’ll take it, how I’ll drink. How I’ll eat.

I’m terrified of sucking, of using straws that could cause infection.

I’m worried about how I’ll wash my face or brush my teeth.

I’m wary of wearing my retainer.

I’m afraid of sleeping on a painful visage.

I’m afraid of being uncomfortable.

How will I talk?!!

I’m afraid of pulling new clothes over my head.

I’m afraid of taking a shower.

I’m afraid of being bored. Or, the reverse…

I’m afraid of getting too much attention.

I worry about the recovery.

I worry about the doctor.

I worry about touching the back part of my mouth with my tongue.

I’m scared to sit in that chair.

I’m worried about being cold.

Most of all, I’m afraid of being afraid.

Fear is a funny thing. Or anxiety, more likely. Anticipation of a dreaded event is what it is. I get this tingling in my gut and the back of my mind. It’s coming, it’s coming. I know I make it sound like a horror movie, but that’s what it’s like. It’s like approaching a giant waterfall, knowing what will happen, but once you’re through you realize it wasn’t nearly as bad as you thought it would be.

I know it’s irrational. I know it sounds dumb, writing all this deep junk about something as trivial as wisdom teeth. But it clears my head, writing does. That, and I’m dying for another post. My life is too ordinary to look for new perspectives. But for now, pray I don’t collapse out of fear before the anasthesia hits me tomorrow. I, for one, am crossing my fingers and toes.

~Brittney

p.s. there’s a strange flashing light outside the kitchen window. I would think it was lightning, except that there’s no thunder. Just an observation.. maybe I could turn that into something. I just thought I saw a man jump in and out of sight…