I have to break down walls everywhere I go. I am afraid of being in my own skin. I am so hesitant to shine, so nervous about letting myself go. I get really insecure when I'm around new people, when I'm in a new situation, when I feel this pressure to meet the expectations. What's so irrational about it is that I don't meet the expectations--I shatter them. It's like every time I approach a 100-step staircase, I look at it and think, "oh my gosh, I can't climb this," and then find myself 1000 steps later realizing that there was never any question.
To put it in a real-life example... this weekend, I was feeling pretty low about mine and Brooks's placement for All-State. Brooks and I are the two frontrunners in the state for jazz alto saxophone, and we both tried out for All State this year. Ray Smith wouldn't even put in a vote for who would end up on top--Brooks and I were that close that our profess teacher couldn't even call it. It turned out in my favor--I was lead alto, and Brooks was second. But this whole weekend I was questioning whoever made that decision. Brooks has a bigger sound than I do, he is more of a lead player, and he is more confident in his abilities. This weekend it felt to me that we were sitting in the wrong spots. At one point I wanted to play second. I felt so insecure in my part that I was ready to just switch chairs with him. But then, at the very end of rehearsal on Friday, one of the trumpet players who passed me while we were cleaning up stopped to compliment me on my solos and also told me that I was a great player. That comment turned my entire day around and reversed my attitude. Suddenly I had more confidence, suddenly I wasn't as scared of myself, and suddenly I realized that this whole time I had been looking at a wall.
So, I broke it down. Saturday was a fantastic day of rehearsal, and the concert went even better than I imagined. My solos were great, (I even walked up to the mic by the rhythm section once!) and I played strong. Why, then, was I doubting myself the whole time?! It doesn't make sense to me. Neither does the fact that this is the third time it's happened this way. All three years of All State I've had essentially the same experience. Every single year. I get there, think, "Wow, I suck," then look back on myself and realize I wasn't giving myself enough credit. But it's not just All State. It's everything to do with music. Every song I play, every solo I attempt, every test I take, every audition I attend I have to break down these walls. It goes further. Every person I meet--every crush, every friend--every class I attend, every teacher I impress, every job I do, every task I perform... everything. It's all blocked off from my mental perception of myself by these tall, thick walls that have to be torn down brick by brick if I am ever going to reach my true potential. If I'm ever going to find my passion. If I'm ever going to be more than myself.
I'm living in a maze of walls.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us. It’s in everyone. And as we let our light shine we give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
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