The Butterfly Tree: A Musing

In the front garden of the place I call home, there grows a certain Butterfly Tree. It grows green leaves, but by summer it is red. It is small, for a tree, but from my point of view it stands twice as tall as any other. I've always felt a certain connection to that tree, and I think it began the evening it proved its name Butterfly, for that was the day it became mine.

It was a time ago, and I remember opening the door to surpirse. Many, perhaps hundreds of butterflies, all kissing the tree's flowers and leaves and trunk. The sight was majestic; I dared not approach the tree in fear of scaring off the beautiful creatures. Instead I observed from the window, sunlight warming my face through the glass. It has not happened since, those butterfly kisses, but as a child that one evening was enough for me to fall in love with the tree--I called it mine, and it was, and that was the end of it.

As time passed I watched my tree grow, bloom, change, then shed its colors and start over. I began to take pictures of it, for it was important to me to remember how it grows, and by so doing I noticed a miraculous happening.

Why am I so fascinated with the Butterfly Tree? I often ask myself. After all, my tree, like everything else, can only follow that natural cycle Heavenly Father laid out for it. Still, in my mind the tree seems to fill a greater role--one I have just begun to figure out. Thinking back, looking at my pictures, laying them side by side...

I think it reminds me of myself.

Like the Butterfly Tree, I grow. I change. I shed my colors and start over. I want to capture every happy moment, I want to weather every storm and stand proud through every trial. Someday, I think to myself, I will be presented with butterfly kisses, too. That will be the day I am claimed by one who is greater than I; but for now I am searching, watching, and growing. You could say my leaves are green, but one day they will turn red. One day, I will stand magnificent.

25 Things I Did This Week

1. Woke up early for school, a Stake Youth Council meeting, and just for the heck of it.
2. Curled my hair
3. Took pictures of trees, leaves, and flowers
4. Practiced saxophone
5. Aced a Calculus test
6. Read part of Great Expectations
7. Improvised a new melody--a lullaby
8. Said hello to my former band director
9. Met three new Young Women who moved into our ward
10. Watched a volleyball game
11. Ate lunch on the floor.
12. Sat by the fireplace in the morning before school
13. Ate Rice Krispies for breakfast
14. Decided who I'm going to ask for Sadies
15. Practiced aurally recognizing block chords
16. Took the PSAT. And wondered why the heck I was taking it.
17. Played clarient on a responsive reed for the first time since July!
18. Learned how to play the Propel bottle like a flute
19. Burst out dancing in my living room
20. Wore bright red to school
21. Fell asleep on the LuvSac and had to wake up to get ready for bed... for real
22. Imagined myself wearing plaid and a belt buckle the size of Texas
23. Cheered for the rescued miners
24. Transcribed a Johnny Hodges jazz solo
AND...
25. Sat on the curb for twenty minutes while writing on the sidewalk with a crabapple

Pattern and Texture

The other day I decided to take a shot at photography. It's not really my thing, but who cares, right? Anyway, I learned two things through this.

First, my hands are designed for writing, not holding cameras.

And second, considering my limitations, I don't think I did half bad. I'd be way too embarrassed to post all my photos here (they're pathetic), but these are the two I like best. Direction-wise, I was trying to depict pattern or texture, taking my cue from my friend's photo assignment. What do you think? Passable?

Decent, but lacking something. I suppose that's how they all feel, but then again...

I am most definately a writer.

I'm Posting a Short One Because I Don't Have Time To Think

Does anyone ever feel like that?
Like you just have so much unpleasant stuff to do, your bag is stuffed with 'em?
And now things that used to be exciting to you are now the dreaded oh-dang-I-have-to-do-that?

Yeah, well, story of my life.

I Need a Weekend.

Life, and all that Jazz

It's amazing to me to think of how quickly time passes, once things really get rolling. Lately with my life being so exciting and busy--school starting, homecoming, pep band, lessons, competitions, auditions, etc.--I've found that the more time consumed by said activities, the less time I spend thinking and musing.

Not that I don't do it at all, I still pace around the house, the yard. Drift off during the really long and boring lectures given me by Mr. King... but still, I think my journal and this blog testify to my being born back into life. I'm back on the highway.

But you know what? It's beautiful, too. I love being relaxed and reflective, but I love being busy just as much. It's what I live for, that cycle of work-relax-reflect-involve and through again. It's part of what makes me who I am, it's what I do.

Recently (as if you couldn't tell), it's been music season for me. Forgive my spurting... but here's a word on that note. Pun intended.


The Crescent Octet isn't what I expected when I auditioned for Super Band. It wasn't what I thought I wanted, but now that I think of it, it's what I was headed for all along.

I was so close to making SB. So close, in fact, that there were only two reasons I didn't make it in: 1. Politics, and 2. Energy

But honestly, The Octet is an answer to many prayers. For one thing, though I'm invited, I don't have to go on tour to Japan (though I would love it, if it weren't for the cost). Also, I have to think of the vision Caleb has for this group. This is the first year the Octet will take the stage, and it's their goal to create a legacy. The Crescent Octet is intended to be another, equal group counter to Super Band. It has the same high expectations, plays at the same level in a combo setting, and will create the same renown--but that last bit is up to us.

I am going to be a part of this: The Crescent Octet. Though I was set on SB, it didn't occur to me that the Octet would be a better choice. It will offer me what Super Band can't: critical individuality, improvisational confidence, and a year to get familiar with the program. After that, Ray says, nothing will stop me. I will have emerged a prominent musician, one SB can't turn down. I count on that.

Reaction

I'm not sure how I felt about that audition.

Caleb Chapman was there listening to me. He and Ray nodded at each other a couple times during the etude, and then the improvisation. I think I accidentally killed the sightreading. It was fairly difficult, and I think I made the biggest mistake of all time: I wasn't sure what key I was in.

Something Ray said as I walked out bothered me: a smile, and then "Thanks for playing."

It almost sounded like, "good try."

I could have done a lot better. I should have... well, maybe not. My etude went well, minus the finger slip on the last line that really wasn't so bad. Ray told me to connect my notes more during the improvisation, but for the most part, they were nodding and listening. Sight-reading... well, you can imagine how that went. :/

I wonder if Ray will base his decisions strictly off today's audition. I wouldn't be surprised if he did--he's a good man, and so he will be fair. But I'm guessing that if it comes down to me and someone else for 2nd alto, Ray will speak up for me. That of course, doesn't say anything about getting lead.

I'm not sure if I'm in the running for lead anymore. My feelings are mixed, for what Ray said is kind of weighing down on me. They didn't seem super excited--but I can't really tell what they were thinking. Which is weird, for me. Perhaps the biggest indicator is that I'm not sure I'm in the mood for daydreaming about making it... It could just be nerves, but then again, I was ecstatic after my All-State audition.

I really hope I make it. I really, really hope so. I want this.

In the past, hasn't that been reason enough?

I have until Friday to see.

A Hold on Reality

I don't have much to say other than that my technological frustrations are hindering my creative intuitions, and that in about 8 minutes I'm going to be kicked off.

Right now I am in AP Music Theory, awaiting the signal to go down to the Homecoming assembly, and trying not to be too bored. I finished completely with all the theory I can possibly do on Alfred Music Theory (which, by the way, is a terrible program, albeit incredibly easy) and on top of that: I can't open my Finale NotePad docs on this version, I am constricted in writing by the fact that the entire row in front of me is filled with people, and I left my book in the choir room.

Which leaves me my thoughts on bracers and this blog. Lucky me.

Anywho. Tomorrow is the big day. I will be auditioning for the prestigious and highly competitive group Super Band, which will not only empty my pockets but provide me new experiences in music I have not yet had. I'm really looking forward to being in the group... at least, I'm assuming I will make it in, since 1.) I've already pounded this fact into the near-reality via dreaming and over-confidence, and 2.) Ray Smith says I have a "pretty good shot" at it--it being lead alto. And if I don't get that, he says, I will surely get second.

I'm not sure how things will go, being in the best high school jazz band in the world. I'm praying there will be other girls in the group, so I have someone to talk to and tour Japan with. I also hope that if I make lead, I will measure up, at least to some extent.

This, perhaps, is my greatest fear. Failing to meet the expectations. OHS Jazz Band was fine--I was the best player in the section by far, and so I had a lot to contribute to the other players. But Super Band? Where all but one of the saxes is sure to be better than me? What do I have to offer--nothing. They already know the theory I have, they already play at levels that should inspire me. I suppose I could just issue the orders, and let Derek or Derek come up with what we should be working on. But then, they wouldn't have any respect. I would be their pawn, their weak link.

Of course, there's always the chance that I will make second alto. It would eliminate said fears, but what would I lose? Pride? Ego? The knowledge that my hold on my own destiny is slipping?

But then--what of Providence? Whatever is meant to happen will, I'm sure of it. But I've always had an intuitive sense of what was meant to be and what wasn't. It's a feeling in my gut, something more secure than just petty daydreaming. It's this amazing feeling--playing out the future while in the present. That's how this feels, about Super Band. Maybe it's because there's more at stake here, but If I'm wrong... how will I react?

Luckily, I only have to wait until tomorrow. Audition first thing in the morning, no time to get nervous about it (although nervousness, when effectively transferred to adrenaline, is a huge help to me in these types of things). After that--Homecoming! And then--Piano Competition! Following--All-State Auditions! Along with--starting lessons again! Afterwards--I don't know, but I'm sure to be busy. I involve myself in so many things for a reason, it saves me from drowning in my own thoughts by having too much free time.

Well, the bell has rung. Time for that long, potentially pointless assembly. At least it'll be something other than cold fingers and a writing lab of boredom.

Next time then.