Frostbitten

Welcome to the life of a teenage girl.

One day she's euphoric, another day she's depressed. Wait five minutes and she'll spit fire, or burst into song and dance, or simply take a vow of silence.

See, the silly things that go on in our heads make it that way. The silly things that mess with our hearts make it that way, too. I don't really understand it, but I live it. Kind of a scary thought.

So today at marching band, we were outside in 45 degree weather. I learned my lesson from yesterday, so I had bundled up a bit, but you can't play a clarinet with gloves on. Naturally my fingers were frostbitten by the end. I couldn't move them, couldn't feel them. They were just...

Numb.

And I feel like overall, I am too.

I woke up today and forgot how to feel. I forgot how to think. But it wasn't just today, it was this week. Time passes too quickly for me to keep up with, and with all the crazy, dramatic events that have happened to me recently, and then suddenly reaching a strange calm where I'm past the "cooling off" point and into the "freezing point," I feel numb all over. So hopelessly confused and ignorant, like there's nothing for me to think about or be excited for or dread or consider or contemplate or wish for or anything! I'm just... alive. And it's weird.

I don't really know how to explain it. It's like seeing in black and white after years of viewing color. It's like eating cream of wheat after a triple-layer chocolate cake. It's basically dealing with normal, boring, everyday life events after riding a roller coaster of new and exciting drama.

Drama... We hate it, but we love it, too. That's why we make it. Let's just hope it's worth it.

When it comes to working stuff out, there is nothing "wrong" anymore. What happened last week is years away in everyone's mind. And there's no going back to it, there's no longing or regret. Then why do I feel so empty? It doesn't make sense...

It must be frostbite.

But enough of that. I need to be happy. With a freezing heart, I have to do all I can to warm up, move around, anything to avoid the blizzard. I have to invigorate my sense of being, restore my sense of self, and snap back into it. Maybe somewhere, somehow, or with help from someone, I can defrost.