Friday, April 29, 2011

Chapter One


A Girl With the Name of Brittney


In a hotel room the night I was born, my parents knelt in prayer for their newborn adopted baby. They prayed for my protection, for the chance at living a virtuous life, for everything they could think of to give me as a blessing. Despite not having agreed on name, my parents each blessed “Brittney” as if it were the most natural thing in the world. If an angel had touched their thoughts, granting them the name of their first-born daughter, then I would ask for no other explanation.

Here’s an idea: In a name lies a person. You, or me, or him, or her. A living, breathing soul with a living, breathing name. What’s in a name? goes the famous phrase, but here Juliet goes wrong, in that by any other name, a person would not be himself. A name reflects you, represents you, becomes you. You are the name, and I am Brittney. My very character forms the gentle curve of the letters, my personality adds the font. What I do and create is somehow attached to those eight letters. Though another rose could smell sweeter, no other name could accurately represent the person I am, have been, and will become.

And who am I?

I will tell you this.

My full name is Brittney Theurer. I am seventeen years old, and among other things I consider myself a musician, a scholar, and a unique voice in the world. I am 5’4”, petite, and have light blue eyes and golden-blonde hair that changes in the sun. As a daughter of a Heavenly King, I am filled with light and truth and have unique qualities and abilities that define me. I doubt I’ll discover in this life all the things I am and could be, for I am many things all at once.

I am a musician. Music is the core of my existence, and naturally a big part of my life. I play the piano, the alto and soprano saxophones, the clarinet, and a little bit of flute. I have always been musically inclined, and from the moment I begged for piano lessons I’ve been caught up in a whirlwind of music and success. I love being a part of the school Jazz Band and Wind Symphony, and I have had so many wonderful opportunities to share my talents with others both within the Orem High Band program and also in the community. Aside from playing lead alto in jazz band, first chair clarinet in band, and alto in a jazz octet, I am currently teaching piano lessons to several kids in the ward and serving as the ward choir accompanist. I love being busy playing and helping out. Festivals, lessons, concerts, anything and everything. Music is something I want, and plan to do for the rest of my life.

I am also a student. School is important to me, or rather, knowledge. The feeling of knowing something, of stating truth, it is the best feeling in the world. Ever since I was little I’ve honed a deep curiosity about the world around me, and I continue to seek for the knowledge I desire. I enjoy taking honors and AP classes for this reason, and I’ve had a lot of success in all academic subjects. I keep a 4.0 G.P.A., plan to graduate top of the class, and hold the respect of my teachers and peers. I place real value on my education, not only because the prophet has told me to, but because I find real applicability in the things I learn.

See, I am a connection-seeker. I have a knack for understanding situations, ideas, and especially people. I like to think. And dream. And ponder about little things, big things. You’ll often find me wandering about my house, talking out loud to myself to daydream or to develop an idea. I am consistently absorbed with one thing or another, and I am entirely convinced that when I reach the celestial kingdom, I am going to look back on the thoughts and ideas I had, and laugh. I take myself far too seriously, but at least that is a human trait. As spiritual children, all of us, we react to the things we know as a child reacts to color and language. Everything is exciting and amazing and wonderful in our eyes simply because things are. To pretend they’re not is to miss out on life, and I would much rather be a happy person than an unhappy one.

Personality-wise, I am simply me. I’m not quite sure how to describe myself without tossing a pile of adjectives on the floor, so forgive me if I’m too messy. Here it goes: On the outside, I wear a reflective and comfortable side. I am receptive, graceful, responsible, and steadfast. People who don’t know me very well say I’m quiet, and I guess that has some truth to it. Most of the time, however, I am lively and witty, ambitious, and upbeat. I am a natural leader, confident, competitive, and responsible. People look up to me for my talents and my good spirit, but I am always trying to be better. I was born to be a woman of “dignity, grace, and beauty” and those three words gain more meaning to me every day. On the whole you could say I am unique and authentic. I am comfortable with who I am, and even though that person is changing, it is for good.

I hope to accomplish many things in my life, and my goals define me as much as anything. I’ll start small. Today, the 29th of April, my goal is to play my piano concerto at the festival after school. Next week my goal is to do well on my solo/ensemble and pass my AP tests. Next month I hope to practice, decide on which extra-curriculars I want to do, and have fun with the end of the semester. Moving into long-term goals, in a year, I want to earn my full-ride scholarship to BYU and be ready to attend college. I’ll take life as it comes at that point, but my biggest goals I will always keep in mind: I will always be worthy of a temple recommend and live my standards. I plan to marry in the temple to a return missionary, raise a family in love and righteousness, and endure to the end. I hope to continually fill my life with the light and truth of the gospel and live the life I was meant to live.

In fact, I think that in the hotel room seventeen years ago, when my parents blessed me with my name, they also blessed me with my life. It is the one I live and hope to live now and in the coming years. I suppose all these things, all these “words,” describe me, but who am I really? Whose life am I living?

I will tell you this again.

I am the girl with the name of Brittney. My life is full of music and learning and grace and light. I am many things all at once, but a few things one at a time. I am a musician. An intellect. A voice. A soul. Of all there is to tell, I am simply me. Brittney. And this is my story.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Springtime for the Personality

Day 27: A picture of you last year and now and how you've changed since then


Physically, there hasn't been a lot of change for me in the past year. I look pretty much the same...



...except that whatever it was I'd been holding back last year is suddenly starting to burst!

Compared to last year, I am more: confident. outspoken. bold. comfortable.
I am less: timid. hesitant. wandering. lonely.

It's a new season for me, and I think I'm enjoying it. :)

Monday, April 18, 2011

Right Now 4/22 11:57 p.m.

My mind is racing.

It usually does this time of night, and I tend to repeat a lot of the same thoughts over and over again. It seems silly, at first, to have the same conversations with yourself for months, except that I understand them differently each time they come. Life happens, and the experiences I have in the moment affect the dreams I relive in the memory--or is it a future?

I don't think it's possible for me to explain this understanding to any of them, but I have learned so much about the people in my life in the past year. Of my best friends, I've come to understand more of their motives, the relationships between different aspects of character they keep in their minds, they way they think and act so far as I've observed. Of my family, I've come to recognize more of their individual character rather than the role they play in society and family, more on personality, or character, or whatever it is I understand about them.

I've also learned a lot about myself. Cambry once called it discernment, and I do believe that I have a way of understanding people. At least, in the general sense of the term. Whether I do or do not actually discern character is uncertain. I observe a lot of things that have significance to me, personally, and likely to me, only. I have a certain vision of the world and of life that I can't explain, and sometimes can't recognize for its presence is so small. It's not that I have an amazing ability that can change the world, it's more that my mind works in self-regard and relation to everything else from my 2D perspective.

I keep thinking that one day in heaven I'm going to read through my book of life, and laugh at all the thoughts I had. I'll realize how simple and mundane they were, how silly it was to take myself seriously... Well, let this be a note to self:

While on this Earth I see the concepts of life and truth in the perspective of a spiritual child, just as an Earthly child sees color and language. Every thought stimulates me. Simplicity excites me. When I make some kind of connection, even if it's wrong or only half-true, I still celebrate as a child would, with an awed, wild ecstasy that keeps me awake at 11:57 in the night.

Whatever race it is my mind is running, it matters. So I'll keep thinking and dreaming and taking myself seriously, because that's usually what I do at 11:57 at night.

Just in case you were wondering.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day 25

What's in your purse?

Well... not much, really. Usually just

my phone
lipgloss
chapstick
mentos
kleenex
pencil
wallet

Which is all I really need to go somewhere. :) Besides, my purse is small and cute and can't fit much more anyway.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Day 24

Your favorite movie.

Well, first of all, I love the word "movie." And second, I have several favorites.

Prince of Persia
August Rush
Tangled
The Princess and the Frog
Phantom of the Opera

I'm too lazy to go find pictures, so whatever. :) Watch those, they're good.

P.S. I feel incredibly proud of myself. I totally know how to html code text into different fonts and sizes. Haha BAM! :)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Day 23

A photo of an animal you'd like to keep as a pet. Yep. I want a bird. A cute little parakeet or something like that. I don't care if they're loud... they're sweet and twittery. :) Birdie love.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

A Girl With The Name of Brittney

That is what I decided I will call the first chapter of Project Me.

Have I explained this yet? Probably not.

Project Me is the main assignment I have to do for Honors English 11. It is an autobiography, and we've written a chapter for class every few weeks this entire year. I haven't had a great attitude about her approach to writing it so far, but I am very excited for the finished product.

Not that I am anywhere NEAR finished... Because my teacher gave us one period to write each chapter, naturally it left me staring at a blank computer screen the night before it's due. And fact: I no longer consider our "rough drafts" rough. More like barfing words on paper. Gross!

See, essays need to be crafted. The best ones are conceived over a long period of time, and written in several sittings with enough space in between to be able to breathe.

Fact: One night is NOT sufficient time for "crafting." Most of my project me chapters are terrible. Half of them aren't even finished--the moment I hit the length requirement, I stop mid-sentence and hand them in. I basically say whatever and not even try. Which is a problem, because it means I have a LOT of work to do over the next few weeks. Rewrite rewrite rewrite rewrite rewrite. And rewrite.

And rewrite.

Sigh...

Day 22: Something you're currently working on

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Happy Somethings

Day 21: A photo of something that makes you happy.

#1. I know what you're thinking. Water does make me happy, but I'm talking about the cup.
CUPS MAKE ME HAPPY. How cool is it that you can pick up water and carry it around in the ingenious little thing? I know, I know. Simple minds, simple pleasures. I like cups.

#2. This instrument {usually} makes me happy. I may be in sort of a please-oh-please-don't-make-me-touch-that-thing when it comes to my music right now, but don't worry. I really do love it.


#3. The gospel makes me happy. :) I couldn't photograph that, but I can photograph my favorite book! This Church is the reason my life is so great, and why I can make it through when my life is not so great. Love love.


:D

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Name Without a Meaning

Day 20: The meaning behind your blog name

The Journals of a Dreamer, formerly P e r s p e c t i v e, is nothing particularly special. I'm not sure what I was imagining when I thought up either name; likely something overly-romantic and highly-idealistic. A collection of deep essays and musings, thought-provoking insights. Something like that. (But therein lies the problem with ideals: there is a line between an ideal and a reality.)

{Now, it is a fine line, and I believe it is possible to build a bridge between the two. It requires a lot of skill and dedication, and sometimes courage, but it is possible. Many have made it work, to create the envisioned product . Only once have I been able to come close to that, and it was with a musical composition. Writing is harder, it involves a moral or ethical science. Some days I just don't have the time, or the ideas, or the focus to write.}

Unlimited creativity can be the greatest limit. Limited creativity can be the greatest outlet.

Originally I created the blog to replace my writers' notebook, a place to voice thoughts or write about things that wouldn't qualify for THE journal. The blog has succeeded the writers' notebook in many respects. It is definitely a way to express more idealistic thoughts or musings, a way to write about the trivial things or to express in code, without explanation, some of the thoughts buzzing around my head.

It is also just for fun (I told you it was nothing special). This Daily Blog Challenge--I don't know why I'm doing it. It's just kind of cute. Edited photos--well, I have to share them with someone! Those Right Now posts were a big step for me, but some of the goethe posts commit a retrogression, of sorts.

As for the name, The Journals of a Dreamer, it is pretty self-explanatory. If anyone has ever seen me pacing or staring into space or talking to myself, well... I'm dreaming. The journals of a dreamer, the thoughts of a dreamer, the photos of a dreamer, the favorite foods of a dreamer... yeah, that's my blog. My writers' notebook. It means different things on different days.

Today it serves its purpose. Somehow in the last week I've been able to remove, for a time, the mental block that disallows me to freely express my thoughts in writing. Hopefully that trend will keep going, I can sort through that cluttered space in my mind, and I will translate this electronic stagnation to some sort of reality.

But that's the problem with ideals. I think I've mentioned that.

Saturday, April 2, 2011