"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Marianne Williamson
* * *
I remember the instant when I knew Marianne Williamson hit it spot on. It was November, the Monday after I auditioned for the All-State Jazz Band in my sophomore year. Even before I finished with the audition, I knew I had made it. I could barely contain the dreams I had, of being the the group. I must have imagined a thousand times the experience I hoped to have there. With all my soul, I knew there was no possible way I could not make it in. But it was something about the way Mr. Summers told me officially... he got so excited, the rest of the band was in awe. Though it was no surprise to me, the fact that reality played out almost exactly as I imagined it...
It scared me. An irrational, petrifying fear so intense I shook as I walked out of class that day.
I may have just been excited. Nervous, even, at the prospect of being the only girl, and one of the youngest members in the group. But on the way to the bus, I kept asking myself, How did this happen? Who am I to deserve this, after barely even preparing?
I admit, it was true. I didn't practice every day for weeks in preparation, I didn't even practice longer than thirty minutes at a time. The fact was, I barely practiced at all. Somehow I convinced myself that I didn't need to--or did I? Thinking about this, a bit of guilt found a seed in my heart. For how could I so effortlessly win a spot in an elite band while others practice hours upon hours, and don't even get the honor of being a runner-up? It's not fair, I thought. Not fair to others, but also not fair to me.
The bus had reached its destination, and by this time I sat in my Spanish class, zoning out, as usual. For a while I just sat there, staring at the same spot on the door as I wallowed in my fear and guilt. But then, almost without my knowing it, I started to recite to myself a certain quote by Marianne Williamson.
My deepest fear is not that I am inadequate. I began. My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure...
And then it hit me. I am powerful. I can do anything. Anything!
Whether it was excitement or fear or a manifestation of the spirit, a feeling washed over me as I realized this fact. And I was right, by some kind of intuition I possessed in my soul, I knew it was right. I could literally do anything I wanted, be anything, say anything. I walked away from that November day feeling strangely empowered, but not knowing what to do with myself.
Since then, I've thought and thought about the experience. It seems a little surreal, but it has affected me deeply nevertheless. Through the years I've learned one thing:
If our deepest fear is that we are light, then there is not much to be afraid of in this world at all. Though times may be troublesome, and the future seems impenetrable, that single truth anchors us to the rest of reality. We are light. We are brilliant. We are fabulous, gorgeous and talented.
And we have every right to be.
:)
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