[Email sent: February 9, 2011]
I don't know why I'm sending you this. But I love this poem. For me, it hits right to the core of every internal battle I've been fighting since I learned how to think, back in the summer of 9th grade. I've decided I need to be bold. But every time I go for it, I shrink. I keep thinking the time for choice is ahead, when really, it is now. But actually, I don't know for sure. I don't know anything for sure. Since 9th grade I transformed myself into a go-with-my-flow girl. I let fate run its course. If it happens, it happens: this is the philosophy I live by. When will I sit down and realize that I need to make a decision?
It just occurred to me... perhaps why the same argument keeps coming back and back and back and back and back in my mind. It is because it is important. Some part of my future will be determined by a choice or choices I do or do not make now. But which way to choose? What is my choice?
I am a deep-sea fish, I've decided. I live under an extreme amount of pressure, but I think I'd rather see light. With every argument, indecision, procrastination, or imagination I put myself under more pressure. I have made myself into someone who defines the world around me by placing weights in my pack. I think I need to carry them all, all the time, because I never feel like I can find the "right spot" to place them. This is my whole problem.
This probably makes no sense to you. But I've realized that when I have a bunch of bottled-up thoughts, emotions, and ideas, I need to let them out. When I write about them, or think about them, or role play them, however, the pressure just grows. I need to export my ideas. And that means clicking "send."
But anyway. I genuinely want to put something into place within my core drivers of work and attitude. I need to be bold. I need to commit. The problem is what, and how, and when, and all those other details. Maybe... maybe that's not important, though. I'm positive that there is no one way to live my life. I may have a roadmap, that is, the scriptures, prayer, etc.; but I do not have step-by-step directions on how to get where I'm going. Maybe that's the point. I'm waiting at a four-way stop, trying to decide which way to turn, the cars behind me honk impatiently as if I've been stalling there forever, (which i have), and I still can't seem to make a decision. One day that needs to stop. Maybe today. Maybe tomorrow. But I have hesitency. My plan of action will thus be the destroy-hesitancy plan. Until then I have yet to think and decide. And be bold.
[end of email]
I have made a decision. After months (years, more likely) of turmoil, I am now one step closer to understanding my future. I feel the need to announce it in case I change my mind, so...
I will graduate from BYU with a B.A. in Saxophone Performance and Pedagogy
Thinking about it, it doesn't seem so life-changing, but that usually means it is. I now have a direction, via inspiration, of where to place my emphasis in future music study. I decided after school solo/ensemble that I do have a gift for classical playing. I also have a gift for saxophone playing. Someone upstairs must have helped me combine the two to create a future.
I'm still a little confused about where to put my jazz playing. I think maybe I'll try out for Legacy Band or something at BYU. Still debating over Super Band. I guess I have a little while to decide, and if that decision is anything like my recent one, I'll need some kind of experience(s) to base it on. Hopefully that will come during the next year. I have no doubt it will, after all, I've already taken the first step. I have been bold in my decision to decide a major before I'm accepted to the university. I will continue to be bold as I make other upcoming decisions. Luckily I have amazing parents--earthly and spiritual--who will guide me in this process.
Until then--B.A. in classical Sax, brace yourself! I'm coming.
Oh--and before I forget (actually, it's the reason I'm even posting)...
Day 2: A photo of a person(s), place, and thing that you love.
My beautiful instrument. (We'll be spending a lot of time together in college). :D
My AMAZING family.
The temple I would love to be married in. :) : )
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