Finding Friends / / I Hope They Call Me On A Mission

Last night, it was 11 pm, and though I was tired, I did not want to go to bed. Now, normally, when I procrastinate my bedtime, I start feeling spiritually down, because surfing the web and checking social media does not bring the spirit, and neither does being tired beyond rationality. But last night, strangely enough, I did not have that feeling.

I was looking through some blogs I hadn't read before and I chanced on this one. Written by Emilee, it is one of the sweetest and inspirational blogs I've read. The atmosphere invited the spirit, and I found myself feeling uplifted as I read occasional spiritual thoughts and missionary experiences. 

Then, I came across a post which had copy/pasted this story. It's about missionary work. It's also about love.

Read this:

"The following event took place in a ward in Salt Lake City in 1974. It occurred during a sacrament meeting and was told to me by a Regional Representative of the Twelve who was in the meeting. A young man, just before leaving on his mission stood in sacrament meeting and bore in essence the following testimony:

Brothers and Sisters, as you know, the past two weeks I've been waiting for my mission call. During the time I was waiting I had a dream. I knew it was not an ordinary dream. I dreamed I was in the pre-existence and awaiting my call to come to earth. I was filled with the same anticipation and excitement that I had before I received my mission call. In my dream I was talking to a friend, and I felt a special closeness to him, even though I've never met him in this life. As we talked a messenger came and gave me a letter. I knew it was my call to go to earth. In great excitement my friend and I opened the letter. I gave it to him and asked him to read it aloud. It said: "You've been called to earth in a special time and to a special land. You will be born to the true church and you will have the priesthood of God in your home. You will born into a land of plenty, in a land of freedom. You will go to earth in the United States of America."

My friend and I rejoiced as we read my call, and while we were rejoicing the messenger returned. This time he had a letter for my friend. We knew it was his call to earth. My friend gave me the letter to read aloud. His letter said: "You've been called to go to the earth in circumstances of poverty and strife. You will not be raised in the true church. Many hardships will attend your life. Your land will be fraught with political and social difficulties - which will hinder the work of the Lord. You will be born in Costa Rica."

We wept, my friend and I, as we read his call. And my friend looked at me with tears in his eyes, and said, "When we are down on earth, you in your choice land and me in Costa Rica, my friend, please come and find me."

The this young missionary, with tears in his eyes, said, "Brothers and Sisters, I have received my mission call. I am going to Costa Rica."

There is a sequel to the story. About a year after the sacrament meeting, the bishop received a letter from the missionary in Costa Rica. The letter had one sheet of paper in it and on that sheet written in capital letters were four words:

I FOUND MY FRIEND"


source: http://www.comportone.com/cpo/religion/christian/motivate/testmony.htm
If you didn't already know, I am planning on serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am currently working on my papers and I am almost done. For a while, especially at the beginning, I wasn't sure exactly what my reasons were for going on a mission. I simply felt like it was right, like it was what I had been preparing for my whole life. I didn't know much more than that.
But, as I've been studying more seriously, I have been finding reason after reason why I want and need to serve a mission. And after reading this story, I realize the most important reason of all:
I need to find my friends.
There are people out there, I don't know where yet, who are waiting for me to come and find them. I have been so blessed, and it's my responsibility to share my blessings of the gospel with them as a full-time missionary, but also throughout the rest of my life. I can't wait to get out there, and serve, and love, and become a better person so that they can become better people and that my Heavenly Father's work can progress. It's daunting, yet exciting, and I can't wait until they call me on a mission. :)

One and The Same (But Unlike Any Other)

I have lived in Happy Valley practically my whole life. I moved to Orem when I was six, and went through all of my primary, secondary, and post-secondary education within a 10 mile radius. I fell in love with this place, this community, this very Mormon way of life. Some could say I'm trapped in the happy valley "bubble," but I don't perceive it as something to feel ashamed of or suffocated by. That said, the entire time I was growing up, I struggled with feeling unique and authentic. It took me several years to realize my divine individuality, but once I did, I stood fast to it. I know who I am. I feel unique and authentic and genuine and different and REAL. I am unlike any other girl anywhere, and nothing anyone says could shake that confidence.

But not everyone knows that. Since coming to BYU, I have heard several people say how the thing they don't like about this place is that everyone is the same. I even have a few friends who think that all the girls have the same styles of clothes, of hair, the same ideas and outlooks on life, the same desires and the same attitudes. No one is interesting and everyone is a clone of everyone else.

Every time I hear this, I am really offended by their shallow-mindedness. Because despite popular belief, girls here are not the same. But there is a reason people sometimes think that.

Here, in Provo, UT, we are completely surrounded by members of the church. Faithful, testimony-building people who constantly try to do the right things and become better and better people. In the scriptures, Christ commands us to "be like me." Christ wants everyone to become like Him. Everyone. JUST like him. In word, in deed, in attitude, in bravery, courage, love, light, strength, mercy, forgiveness, dignity, grace, beauty. He wants all of us to be able to "see [His] image" in our countenances. And this is what faithful Latter-day Saints strive for. This is what righteous girls at BYU seek after.

When we try to align our lives to live like Christ, we become one and the same. We have the same goals, the same desires, and the same light and attitude and strength and many other things. It's no wonder outsiders think we're all alike; it's because we are. In one sense. But in another, we are also all different. We have different personalities, different quirks and struggles and ideas and philosophies. We have different interests, different styles. Every girl at BYU is unlike any other, anywhere.

And I think that anyone who is too narrow-minded to see that is missing something.

***Post-Edit:
I just wanted to say that I am not in any way angry or annoyed at the people who have this "Provo girls are all the same" mentality. It's the mentality itself that bothers me, not the people. I believe that we are not a pure product of our ideas alone, and that ideas can be changed. I realize I tend to make a really big deal out of this issue, and that may be due to the fact that I'm still insecure about it. Honestly, I don't know if I'm really that unique, but I sure hope I am. I write so much about this topic because it's one that I have thought a lot on, that I have racked my brain over, and despite that, I still don't have all the answers. Maybe I am totally wrong. Maybe I'm just trying to defend my dreams of individuality. Maybe I just need to let this idea go and put it to rest. Either way, this is all that I am going to say about it. I'm sorry if I make anyone mad by how worked up I get. I'm just like you, trying to make sense of this crazy world of people and ideas and things and to survive the process. That's all. :)******

So There I Was,

sitting in a tree.

It was a perfectly normal day, which turned out to be extraordinary. The park by my old elementary school is the place I usually go to when I need to get away. Whether I'm upset, extremely bored, or I just need somewhere to think, the park is my place. 

About a week ago, I was having kind of a rough day. I had just broken up with the idea of love, and I was just so sick of the way I'd been living and the things I'd been doing. Mediocrity had never been something I strived for, and yet I was achieving it day after day by neglecting to be extraordinary. My case wasn't horrible, of course, but just "off" enough to bother me. 

So I went to the park. After wandering about for a bit, I found myself climbing that one good tree, cracking open my notebook, clicking my pen, and letting my thoughts go. 

Prior to this, I had been thinking a lot about the different chapters of my life's story. The first chapter from birth to when I moved to Utah was full of vague memories and good times. The elementary school chapter follows, with friends and fun and little-kid-projects and dreams and playdates and a huge life ahead of me. Next came the junior high chapter, and then the chapter consisting of my high school years. I thought that in some ways, I am still the same character from all the previous chapters of my life. I've got friends and drama and extracurriculars and dreams and dates and a big life ahead of me. But the thoughts I had been thinking as of late were all focused on moving on, leaving the high school chapter behind--something the Real Brittney would never dream of doing.

"I'm only eighteen, but already I feel old," I wrote one day in my journal. "High School Brittney is about to be reborn as College Brittney, and I couldn't be more impatient for change." 

Change, change, change. For a long time--a few weeks at the least--I had been almost angry that I was still in high school, still dealing with high school problems and high school drama and a high school mindset. I wanted OUT. I wanted a new school, a new house, a new group of friends, and a new life. I wanted change. I kept slacking off in the most mundane of ways--not getting up in the morning, not caring about doing my homework, etc. Senioritis and a lack of drive had taken over my life, but all of that changed (or at least started to) when I sat in that tree in the park.

There I realized, practically in a sudden burst of inspiration, that the way I had been living was preparing my high school chapter for a cliffhanger ending. After three years of hard work and of exciting new experiences. After three years of sorrows and joys and frustrations and triumphs, I was about to end my senior year as if it were the climax of a novel: in high tensions, incomplete goals, and unanswered questions. 

Maybe in a book, I figured, this adds excitement. It makes readers turn page after page, searching for the resolution to the plot, the happy ending to the story. Knowing that things might very well go wrong for the characters is half the fun of reading, because you also know that no matter what, no book would ever dare to leave you hanging for long. But in real life, cliffhanger endings aren't exciting at all. There is so much more at stake, because you don't know for sure that no matter what, things will turn out alright. You hope they do, and you try to live in a way that would allow them to, but twists in your life's plot happen on their own. And there is no reason to complicate the story by extending the resolution. This is what I had been doing by not enduring to the end. I figured everything would be fine if I could just skip past the end of my high school chapter. 

But the thing is, high school was never meant to be the climax of a person's life. There is so much more to learn, to experience, to love, to cry through and to smile through. Life is a storybook, but with a very different kind of plot than we learn about in English. 

Coming to terms with all of this while sitting in a tree, I had one of those, "look at me go!" moments. I wrote,

"The moment I step down from this tree will be the moment I begin the challenge to endure to the end. I will not end my high school chapter with a cliffhanger ending. While yes, I have only a few weeks left, and yes,  I cannot wait for everything to change, I've decided not to discard the life I currently have to sit around waiting for the one I'll receive in the short future. While I'm ready to move on, I think I've reached the point where I'm okay to stay for a while."

The moral of the story is that things will change for me. Soon. But right now, things are the way they are, and I have only five weeks left of my senior year. Five weeks, five short paragraphs in which to conclude what has been the best chapter of my life so far. The very best. And I'm not about to skip to the ending before I fill every page of the time allotted me. I've got five weeks to go, four band performances to do, three AP classes to finish, two best friends to help me through, and one goal: to endure to the end. 

And all of this, from walking to the park and sitting in a tree. Who knew? It was probably the best idea I've had in quite a long time. :)

Have Courage. Be Happy.

Sadness and anger are very closely related.
Anger usually causes sadness, and sadness can often cause anger.
That's why when something bad happens, you can either be sad first, or angry first, but you usually end up as both.

And that's also why it takes real strength, and real courage, to feel neither sadness or anger when something hard comes your way. To feel happy in the face of difficulty takes twice as much effort, but it also proves twice as worth it after the storm has passed. :) Truly, Happiness is a form of courage.

Cristofori's Dream to Mine

When I was taking lessons with my first piano teacher, I always looked up to the older students. They seemed so tall, so mature and grown-up, and most of all, so good at the piano! I wanted to be like them, to play the pieces they could play. During recitals I liked to close my eyes while I listened to the older students and pretend it was me. I imagined performing those pieces, seeing my teachers and friends act so impressed and amazed at my talent. It never occurred to me that I actually could

There was one piece in particular, Cristofori's Dream, that was the pinnacle of all piano accomplishment in my mind. It was a nine-page song, and I thought it was just absolutely beautiful. It was a New Age composition by David Lanz, and more than any other piece I dreamed of playing it.

Years passed, and before I knew it, my teacher pulled out a red plastic bag from the music store during my lesson. Just as a service to her students, she would always buy the music for us and we'd pay her back for it. Usually we got new music when we finished the previous level, but this time she said she had something special.

She pulled out for me a large, gray book and turned to a page near the back. She handed the music to me saying, "I think you'll enjoy this." When I looked down, I couldn't believe what I saw.

"Really?!" I asked in disbelief.

"Yes, this won't be too hard for you," was all she said.

I didn't understand it. She wasn't trying to make it a big scene, this wasn't one of those rite-of-passage moments for piano students. She didn't seem to realize exactly what this particular piece meant to me, but there I was, just a sixth grader, holding Cristofori's Dream, my dream piece, in my lap. I told her it was something I had looked forward to since I was a little piano student. She only smiled and said, "well, then you'll have some fun with it."

And I did. Only a few weeks later did I consider Cristofori's Dream conquered. I played it at my next recital, and joyed in the fact of becoming the pianist I had dreamed of being. It was one of my most wonderful piano moments, except for one thing: I had imagined the moment a little bit bigger.

Once I finished playing the piece I felt no different than before. Sure, I had managed my dream piece, but it wasn't anything big or important. It was no impromptu, no sonata, no concerto or rhapsody. In fact, from a music theorist's standpoint, it was quite a simple piece. I felt a little bit smaller. While after years of practice and hard work I had become one of the "older students" I had once so idolized, I also realized at that moment that New Age was not exactly the top of the achievement pyramid. But perhaps I had climbed the first stair. I was closer.

Closer is something that has propelled me through various levels of achievement in music throughout my life. Looking back on it, I sometimes wonder how it was that I ever set my sights on something that now seems a very low expectation. But then I remember that at the time, it was all I could see. Nothing can diminish the level of inspiration Cristofori's Dream gave me when I was a younger and less experienced pianist, just as nothing can compare to the self-satisfaction I feel when I compare my current goals to the ones I held previously. Once I had desired more than anything to be the "older student." Now I desire to be something even greater. A professional musician. And while this time there is no specific piece to push me forward, I revel in the memory of seeing something, dreaming of it, and achieving it.

Imagine yourself where you want to be

then make that dream a reality. :)

Just thought I'd share one of my personal mottos.

:D

The Game of LIFE (on Life Points)

My brother Brayden got the game "LIFE Twists and Turns" for Christmas. It's a version of life with an electronic device that keeps track of your salary, cars, houses, kids, wife, etc. You move through a board divided in four sections: Learn It! Earn It! Love It! and Live It! The object of the game is to WIN IT, obviously (Cambry quote! haha love ya :D). The unique thing about the game is that it all comes down to Life Points.

In the game, you earn life points by making bucketloads of money, reaching major milestones (college degree, marriage, travel, etc.) and also by experiences on LIFE cards. Experiences coincide with which section of the board you are in, and can give or take money or life points. Things like "Adopt a Koala Bear" and "You finally master patting your head while rubbing your tummy" can give you life points. But then there are things like, "Get stung by a jellyfish while swimming in the East Australian Current" and "Fall off the t-bar while skiing and roll all the way down the mountain" subtract your life points.

The theme here is obviously, "Positive life events give you life points. Negative ones subtract." But I got to thinking, in real life, why would a negative event detract from the value of the life you've lived? Why would not getting one job you applied for make your life a failure? How does passing out in biology class during a dissection make your life less worthwhile? It doesn't make sense in my mind! I think those things should add life points, not subtract them, because aren't they giving you a story to tell? Aren't they adding to your personal stream of life bloopers you're going to get to watch in heaven? Aren't all experiences teaching you and helping you grow, adding to the value of your life?

Sometimes we think the same the way the game does. When something negative happens, we automatically think that our lives lose meaning. So to an A student, failing a test is like the end of the world. Losing a friend makes you a horrible person. Crashing your car grinds your confidence to dust. But why let these things break you? Why not make everything that happens in your life a positive experience instead of a negative one?

So a family member dies, your computer crashes, you don't get a scholarship, your break your arm--any number of negative things can happen to a person in his or her lifetime. But I believe that every and any experience can be a positive thing in the long run. Even for the very worst of sinners--except perhaps ones who've committed the one absolutely unpardonable sin--any experience can be for the better. The trick is to let those experiences add to your knowledge and experience, to let them give you life points instead of subtract.

In Doctrine and Covenants 18:10 it reads, "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God." It doesn't say, "Remember when your life stinks, so do you." It doesn't say, "Remember that the better person you are, the more God loves you." God loves everyone, and every soul is worth so much more than any life experience can attest to.

So I'd encourage all of you--especially on holidays like Christmas and the upcoming New Year's--to take a look at your life. At all the crazy, wild and fun things you've done. All the everyday experiences you have. All the people you know, the goals you've accomplished. Take a look at those things that have been hard for you, things you wish you hadn't done. Think about how everything will be "for your profit and learning," and then reexamine the value of the life you've lived. Don't compare with anyone else, just appreciate what you've done throughout your life. I promise you won't be disappointed with what you find. :)

And there you have my thoughts for the day! :) Merry Christmas everyone! Have a wonderful HOLYday. ;D

Rain

First, let me say this:

I love the Lord. He is my strength, my redeemer, my savior, my friend, my brother. He helps me in times of need and loves me always. And, because He knows I need it, He'll prove His love to me in little ways. Small, tender mercies that seem insignificant, but have really affected me and that I cherish.

I had one such experience this week, on Wednesday. To put it simply, I was having the worst mood swing of my life. I was in a weird mood all day, and around 5:00 my brainwork collapsed on me. A plague of irrationality took over, and I was crying, whimpering, angry, hurt, confused, annoyed, and otherwise insane. I knew what I was feeling wasn't real. I knew that I was fine, that nothing was wrong, that there was no reason to be upset over anything. The trigger itself was harmless enough--I was simply feeling lonely, but that feeling exploded inside me until I could no longer stand being in my house.

So I walked to the park. And I walked. And I wandered. And I felt a little better moving around and being left alone by everything else. I just let my mind run away for a bit, I let myself go numb. I went to Cascade Elementary and paced around the front of the building. I traced a pattern in the grass where the mower didn't quite get. I walked through the playground, and around the field. I passed the hill in Cascade Park and followed some trails here and there. I took a few pictures, watched the people on bikes, the people playing tennis, the people on the hill. I wandered.

And then my isolation was over. I turned to walk home as I replied to my friend, telling him what I was up to. I was in the park, and I liked the thunder. As I was texting the words "I hope I get rained on," I walked out from under the cover of a large maple tree and into a downpour.

I laughed. I laughed the whole way as I walked. It was the heaviest rain I've been in for years, and it just made me... happy. :) Soaked from head to foot, my dad came to find me right as I was starting to get cold. I knew the moment the rain started that it was my rain. The timing was too perfect for it NOT to be!

So of course it was my rain.

It is how my Heavenly Father showed me he loved me that day. He let me know how much He cared for me, how He was looking out for me and understood how I felt. All those negative feelings and irrational thoughts were washed out with the rain, and I was left in peace. Nothing wrong, nothing to regret or to hopelessly wish for. Just a warm, clear evening as the last of my raindrops fell to the ground.

All is well.

:)

This Inspires Me

It also speaks for itself.

Day 26.

Right Now 4/1 10:11 p.m.

I feel enlightened.

I've had an amazing evening of personal revelation and bonding.

It began with a phone call, and having a conversation with my best friend. We talked about a lot of things, but mainly of our friends. It made me think, it helped me connect better certain ideas with standards and my life.

Then I talked with my mom about one of the things I learned from the phone conversation. She taught me something else, too. Something she said made me reconsider a thought I've had a few times before. I explored that thought all through Octet practice, and I came to a realization and a decision.

I have influence. I didn't realize this to its full effect until tonight, and what I did recognize I had used for my daydreaming and wistful thinking purposes. Tonight I decided to use my influence for good, and a positive example. I transformed my good intentions to commitments I know I will keep.

Right now I am peaceful, and I attribute that to prayer.

Sometimes it's good to stay on your knees for a while without anything particular to say. I know Heavenly Father knows what I'm feeling and thinking, and He understands perfectly. Kneeling there I can just soak up the peace and contentment and joy of having everything worked out. Prayer cleanses the mind. Tonight was another great experience where I begin a prayer, intending to have a long conversation about everything on my mind, but finding soon after beginning that all that needs to be said has already been expressed through a prayer of the heart. I feel like Heavenly Father can, with a snap of his finger, organize my thoughts from disorder to peace and order and a feeling of rightness. It's what I wrote on my rock at EFY: I can share the burden of my thoughts with the Savior, and he knows just what to do with them. I am so grateful for that blessing!

Day 2 and A Look Into My Mind

A Look Into My Mind

[Email sent: February 9, 2011]

I don't know why I'm sending you this. But I love this poem. For me, it hits right to the core of every internal battle I've been fighting since I learned how to think, back in the summer of 9th grade. I've decided I need to be bold. But every time I go for it, I shrink. I keep thinking the time for choice is ahead, when really, it is now. But actually, I don't know for sure. I don't know anything for sure. Since 9th grade I transformed myself into a go-with-my-flow girl. I let fate run its course. If it happens, it happens: this is the philosophy I live by. When will I sit down and realize that I need to make a decision?

It just occurred to me... perhaps why the same argument keeps coming back and back and back and back and back in my mind. It is because it is important. Some part of my future will be determined by a choice or choices I do or do not make now. But which way to choose? What is my choice?

I am a deep-sea fish, I've decided. I live under an extreme amount of pressure, but I think I'd rather see light. With every argument, indecision, procrastination, or imagination I put myself under more pressure. I have made myself into someone who defines the world around me by placing weights in my pack. I think I need to carry them all, all the time, because I never feel like I can find the "right spot" to place them. This is my whole problem.

This probably makes no sense to you. But I've realized that when I have a bunch of bottled-up thoughts, emotions, and ideas, I need to let them out. When I write about them, or think about them, or role play them, however, the pressure just grows. I need to export my ideas. And that means clicking "send."

But anyway. I genuinely want to put something into place within my core drivers of work and attitude. I need to be bold. I need to commit. The problem is what, and how, and when, and all those other details. Maybe... maybe that's not important, though. I'm positive that there is no one way to live my life. I may have a roadmap, that is, the scriptures, prayer, etc.; but I do not have step-by-step directions on how to get where I'm going. Maybe that's the point. I'm waiting at a four-way stop, trying to decide which way to turn, the cars behind me honk impatiently as if I've been stalling there forever, (which i have), and I still can't seem to make a decision. One day that needs to stop. Maybe today. Maybe tomorrow. But I have hesitency. My plan of action will thus be the destroy-hesitancy plan. Until then I have yet to think and decide. And be bold.

[end of email]


I have made a decision. After months (years, more likely) of turmoil, I am now one step closer to understanding my future. I feel the need to announce it in case I change my mind, so...

I will graduate from BYU with a B.A. in Saxophone Performance and Pedagogy

Thinking about it, it doesn't seem so life-changing, but that usually means it is. I now have a direction, via inspiration, of where to place my emphasis in future music study. I decided after school solo/ensemble that I do have a gift for classical playing. I also have a gift for saxophone playing. Someone upstairs must have helped me combine the two to create a future.

I'm still a little confused about where to put my jazz playing. I think maybe I'll try out for Legacy Band or something at BYU. Still debating over Super Band. I guess I have a little while to decide, and if that decision is anything like my recent one, I'll need some kind of experience(s) to base it on. Hopefully that will come during the next year. I have no doubt it will, after all, I've already taken the first step. I have been bold in my decision to decide a major before I'm accepted to the university. I will continue to be bold as I make other upcoming decisions. Luckily I have amazing parents--earthly and spiritual--who will guide me in this process.

Until then--B.A. in classical Sax, brace yourself! I'm coming.

Oh--and before I forget (actually, it's the reason I'm even posting)...

Day 2: A photo of a person(s), place, and thing that you love.

My beautiful instrument. (We'll be spending a lot of time together in college). :D
















My AMAZING family.
















The temple I would love to be married in. :) : )

Boldness has Genius and Power

This poem was read to me yesterday, by my saxophone teacher, concerning my prospective audition for a prestigious jazz ensemble that I do not have the money for.

He told me his story of faith, and trusting in the Lord. His eyes were watery and he spoke with power I didn't expect.

He then told me his friend's story, of loss due to lack of faith.

I have yet to decide whether or not I will throw myself and my parents into financial turmoil, in faith that we will be provided for if this group is the right thing to be doing. I have yet to identify my own feelings, and the promptings I may or may not receive concerning this matter.

Until then, Goethe.

Until one is committed
There is hesitancy, the chance to draw back
Always ineffectiveness.

Concerning all acts of initiative (and Creation)
There is one elementary truth
The ignorance which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:

That the moment that one definitely commits ones self
Then Providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one
That would never otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision
Raising in one’s favor all manner
Of unforeseen incidents and meetings
And material substance
Which no one could have dreamt
Would have come your way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

GOETHE