*Insert Rant Here*

...and all I have to say about is that,
lately my mood has been

Up and
Down
and
UP
and DOWN
and
UP UP UP
and
DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN.

Can I just say I'm confused??

Prickly

Looking Up :)

Our Deepest Fear, Musing and Memoir

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

* * *

I remember the instant when I knew Marianne Williamson hit it spot on. It was November, the Monday after I auditioned for the All-State Jazz Band in my sophomore year. Even before I finished with the audition, I knew I had made it. I could barely contain the dreams I had, of being the the group. I must have imagined a thousand times the experience I hoped to have there. With all my soul, I knew there was no possible way I could not make it in. But it was something about the way Mr. Summers told me officially... he got so excited, the rest of the band was in awe. Though it was no surprise to me, the fact that reality played out almost exactly as I imagined it...

It scared me. An irrational, petrifying fear so intense I shook as I walked out of class that day.

I may have just been excited. Nervous, even, at the prospect of being the only girl, and one of the youngest members in the group. But on the way to the bus, I kept asking myself, How did this happen? Who am I to deserve this, after barely even preparing?

I admit, it was true. I didn't practice every day for weeks in preparation, I didn't even practice longer than thirty minutes at a time. The fact was, I barely practiced at all. Somehow I convinced myself that I didn't need to--or did I? Thinking about this, a bit of guilt found a seed in my heart. For how could I so effortlessly win a spot in an elite band while others practice hours upon hours, and don't even get the honor of being a runner-up? It's not fair, I thought. Not fair to others, but also not fair to me.

The bus had reached its destination, and by this time I sat in my Spanish class, zoning out, as usual. For a while I just sat there, staring at the same spot on the door as I wallowed in my fear and guilt. But then, almost without my knowing it, I started to recite to myself a certain quote by Marianne Williamson.

My deepest fear is not that I am inadequate. I began. My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure...

And then it hit me. I am powerful. I can do anything. Anything!

Whether it was excitement or fear or a manifestation of the spirit, a feeling washed over me as I realized this fact. And I was right, by some kind of intuition I possessed in my soul, I knew it was right. I could literally do anything I wanted, be anything, say anything. I walked away from that November day feeling strangely empowered, but not knowing what to do with myself.

Since then, I've thought and thought about the experience. It seems a little surreal, but it has affected me deeply nevertheless. Through the years I've learned one thing:

If our deepest fear is that we are light, then there is not much to be afraid of in this world at all. Though times may be troublesome, and the future seems impenetrable, that single truth anchors us to the rest of reality. We are light. We are brilliant. We are fabulous, gorgeous and talented.

And we have every right to be.

:)

Celestial Dating Flowchart of Happiness

I'm pretty sure this is the most hilarious thing I've ever seen in my LIFE!! :) :) :)

Hahahahaha!!!!!!!! I love this. I can't wait 'till college. :)

Chapter Four

Life at Home

Sometimes I’d like to think it’s the picture frame that holds us all together. That, and also our names. As a family we are close, and yet so distinct. We don’t look alike, think alike, or do the same things. Our character traces to common roots, but our personalities mask any similarities we may have. The seven of us—perhaps seven colors of a rainbow—combine to form something beautiful: family.

Of the kids, there are five. I am the oldest, and fulfill all big-sisterly roles within the family. Next is Brianna, my thirteen-year-old sister who is four years younger but four inches taller than me. We look absolutely nothing alike, although that’s what amazes me about my family; even though we’re different on the outside, people can sense that we’re family. Brianna and I have never been taken for anything other than sisters, just as my brothers Bradley, Brayden, and Brevin belong to us as well.

Anyway, Brianna is the beauty queen of the family and loves anything she can see or feel or taste or hear or smell. She is crafty and especially loves nails, makeup, and hair. Bradley, my twelve-year-old brother who was just ordained a deacon is the sports fanatic of the family. He loves football, baseball, soccer, basketball, and watches ESPN constantly. It’s fun to watch him, because he'll get five inches from the T.V. and jump around intensely whenever something good is happening. Brayden, who is eight, is a social butterfly. He’s playing with friends sixteen hours a day and sleeping the other eight. He is a natural athlete but also the most sensitive of all of us. I recall countless times where Brayden has approached me and given me a great big hug, saying, “Ditty, I love you. You’re the best sister in the whole wide world!” Brevin is the youngest, six years old, and the make-believer and free spirit of the family. He doesn’t conform to anyone’s rules, eats and sleeps whenever he feels like, and is wrapped up in fantasy much like I was as a child.

As you’d expect, life at home with five kids is nothing short of a blast. It can be crazy, but crazy is comfortable. I’m usually wandering, or playing the piano, while my sister has all her giggly friends over to eat our pasta and do their nails. Then there are the boys, who constantly wrestle around the house and invite their 50 friends over to join in making forts, having “wars,” running around, and being generally obnoxious. Add in the habitual family pet Tarzan and a loving set of parents and you’ve got yourself a typical day at the Theurer home.

My family enjoys being together, and we do many things that bring love and unity to our home. Sunday Dinner is probably my favorite tradition. We eat the same dinner every Sunday, and it’s everyone’s favorite: mashed potatoes and gravy with roast beef, vegetables, and rolls. We always eat together, and though we do so most nights, there is something special about Sunday Dinner that I love. As a family we also take time for Family Home Evening every Monday night. Once in a while we will go do something fun, like bowling or a picnic in the park, but I think just being together for a few moments every week can make a big difference.

As far as Holiday traditions go, we take ours seriously. Within the first week of December we like to decorate the Christmas tree, and as we get closer to the holiday we like to see the Spanish Fork Lights and go sledding. Christmas Eve we usually visit our extended family and open gifts from Grandma and Grandpa. We also have a tradition called the “Christmas box,” where we fill a box with food and treats and leave it on the doorstep of a family having a hard time. After delivering the box, we reenact the nativity scene and open our Christmas ornaments and pajamas. The holiday is practically a ritual; after getting ready for bed the kids all stand in line at the door of the present room and take presents up to the Christmas tree. Then, on Christmas Morning we have æbleskivers for breakfast and open our gifts. It is a fun time for our family and likely our favorite holiday.

Easter and the Fourth of July have fun traditions, too. Whenever Easter rolls around, we search for our Easter baskets and later throw an Easter egg hunt with the Hallows side of the family. We also dye eggs and occasionally make cupcakes. For the Fourth of July we always have fireworks in front of our house and spend all day with our Theurer grandparents. Though it’s not a holiday, by far the favorite week of summer is when our cousins Brandon and Nicole come down for our Theurer Family Reunion. The reunion typically occurs around the fourth or the twenty-fourth of July, and we play all day, party all night and try to have a good time. Thanksgiving is another fun holiday for my siblings and I; we eat the big dinner with our extended family and switch off Hallows and Theurer every year. Birthdays, of course, cannot be forgotten. My mom decorates the kitchen in streamers and balloons, plants the most recent school picture of the family member on the table, and arranges the presents. It’s a party for the whole family when one of us has a day where we celebrate them, and with our variety of siblings, there’s a lot to celebrate.

All these traditions, the descriptions of my siblings, of the things we do together as a family, they all spell one word: love. It is the word that could stand on its own to describe my family’s inner workings. And love… well, love is an interesting phrase. In a sense it means that as a family we enjoy being together. It also means peace, and safety. It means that no matter what you do, there will always be a brother or parent or sister standing right beside you. Love means family. And we as a family, all seven of us, strive for love and unity in our home. Life at the Theurer house can be chaotic. It can be fun or crazy or peaceful or dramatic. It can be traditional or spontaneous. But it is always loving. Of all the things I love about my family, I love the love that exists between us. Mike and Jann, Brittney, Brianna, Bradley, Brayden, and Brevin: this is my family. All that is left to say, then, is that I couldn’t have asked for a better family in the world.

:)

My Smile Song of the Day

This is just one of those feel-good songs. It makes me burst into a smile every time, even laugh or get up and twirl around. :)



Amazing. :)