Right Now 4/1 10:11 p.m.

I feel enlightened.

I've had an amazing evening of personal revelation and bonding.

It began with a phone call, and having a conversation with my best friend. We talked about a lot of things, but mainly of our friends. It made me think, it helped me connect better certain ideas with standards and my life.

Then I talked with my mom about one of the things I learned from the phone conversation. She taught me something else, too. Something she said made me reconsider a thought I've had a few times before. I explored that thought all through Octet practice, and I came to a realization and a decision.

I have influence. I didn't realize this to its full effect until tonight, and what I did recognize I had used for my daydreaming and wistful thinking purposes. Tonight I decided to use my influence for good, and a positive example. I transformed my good intentions to commitments I know I will keep.

Right now I am peaceful, and I attribute that to prayer.

Sometimes it's good to stay on your knees for a while without anything particular to say. I know Heavenly Father knows what I'm feeling and thinking, and He understands perfectly. Kneeling there I can just soak up the peace and contentment and joy of having everything worked out. Prayer cleanses the mind. Tonight was another great experience where I begin a prayer, intending to have a long conversation about everything on my mind, but finding soon after beginning that all that needs to be said has already been expressed through a prayer of the heart. I feel like Heavenly Father can, with a snap of his finger, organize my thoughts from disorder to peace and order and a feeling of rightness. It's what I wrote on my rock at EFY: I can share the burden of my thoughts with the Savior, and he knows just what to do with them. I am so grateful for that blessing!

Right Now 4/1 5:33 p.m.

I am contemplative.

Saxophone lesson actually went well. Ray told me he was proud of all the things I've accomplished. I met Brooks officially. Other things.

Prom Drama. HATE IT. I just hate drama, period. Something like that. Also...

Yellow-Green. That is the feeling. I can't remember if I mentioned this, or if it's even possible to explain. Yellow-Green is... a feeling. Not so extreme as dread, not exactly worry, perhaps wistfulness but there is a quiet regret, too. It's an uncomfortable feeling. Cleaning the Nortons, going to Octet and sometimes to my lessons. I come down with Yellow-Green when I don't want to do something, but it's also an isolated feeling. Unsettled. Uncomfortable regret. Longing to be somewhere else. I get this yellow-green kind of ache behind my stomach, on my mind and infecting my hopes for the future. It's a disease, but I don't know how to cure it, without getting away or ignoring it. Yellow-Green is here to stay; and that doesn't change anything about how I view certain aspects of my life.

Anyway. Whatever.

Right Now 4/1 3:16 p.m.

Day 17 - What's going through your head right now.

I am feeling blah.

Not physically ill... just... how I feel a lot of the time when thinking about obligations and worries and stress and rocks.

Jazz again.

Saxophone again.

Octet again.

Everything I'm good at but weighs down my soul.

Sometimes I wonder if I should even be playing the saxophone. Sometimes I wonder if I made a wrong choice playing the instrument, or being involved in jazz, or taking lessons from a good teacher or being part of the Crescent Octet. I think I might've chosen a path contrary to what was planned for me before I came to earth.

But if instrumental music isn't what I'm meant for... than what am I?

Without it I am directionless. With it I am directionless.

Old School Specs

Check these Specs

Day 16: A Silly Photoshoot

Family

Day 15: A photo of you and your family

I would post my Chapter 3 Project Me as well, except that my P.M. essays are terrible. Here are my thoughts on the subject.

1. Brianna is four years younger than me, and four inches taller. We look absolutely nothing alike, although that’s what amazes me about my family; even though we’re different on the outside, people can sense that we’re family. We’ve never been taken for anything other than sisters.

2. There’s me, the eldest of five children and somewhat of a “mother duck” to my younger siblings.

3. I recall countless times where Brayden has approached me and given me a great big hug, saying, “Ditty, I love you. You’re the best sister in the whole wide world!”

4. Brayden is my most sensitive sibling, and probably the most sensitive child in the world. He has big, beautiful brown eyes that melt your heart, and dark, olive skin with dark, coarse hair. He has a heart bigger than you’d think. He genuinely cares for other people, and all he wants to do is be around others. I don’t think he’s ever been alone for more than five minutes his whole life. He spends twelve hours a day playing with friends, and the rest of the time at home he’s asking me constantly, “Brittney, will you play a game with me?”

5. Brevin is a sweet spirit. He’s the youngest, and maybe it’s too soon to tell but I think his personality is a lot like mine. He doesn’t conform to anyone’s rules, even those unwritten by normal childhood behavior. He sleeps whenever he feels like. He eats whenever he wants to (usually never). And he is well-behaved only if it suits him. One thing I’m starting to notice is that he’s like me, in that he is a dreamer. I find him talking to his imaginary friends while he plays outside alone. I find him pacing, dancing to his own rhythm. He goes through stages of hobbies, as I do. Despite not sharing a single genome, he has inherited that unique part of my personality.

6. We’ve gone through six or seven kittens, although one member is permanent: Tarzan, the family cat. We didn’t mean to keep him, he was actually a present for my Grandpa Hallows for fathers day some eight years back. After my grandpa utterly refused to take him, we were stuck.

7. One of the shared characteristics between us is that we’re seasonally obsessive, meaning each individual tends to be really into a few things at a time, then moves on. For me, I trade hobbies. For a couple weeks it will be reading—I’ll go through several novels, or maybe a series in a short period of time, and then the next week I’ll have moved on to something different, like piano improv or something.

8. Bradley is the sports fanatic of the family. He learned to do math from watching ESPN tally the scores. When he watches sports, he'll get five inches from the T.V. and jump around in excitement. Brad is also the spiritual child. He learned to read from reading the book of mormon, he takes his church responsibilities seriously. He hasn't yet turned twelve, but he is already completing his Aaronic Priesthood duties. I look up to my little bro.

I love my family. When I finish the real project, I'll post it all, promise. Then you can read my potentially-deep-and-philosophical-thoughts on family. For now, enjoy the picture and the scrambled thoughts. :)

Day 14

Let me sum up...

Warbreaker was good, except that the "main" storyline was the one I hated most. I always skimmed those chapters, apparently they were the focus of the novel. Whatever.


I stinking love Ender!!!! Nuff said.


You should read it. You really should. I loved it; the paradoxes were so COOL! And the writing was amazing... and the setting was captivating... and yeah. Love love.

Day 14: Books you love that you've read recently.

Brought to You From Orem High

...where I am impatiently awaiting the return of my choir friends who are busy rehearsing during Pride lunch.

I'M BORED!!!

Actually, I finished The Three Musketeers, which is pretty good. Now I just have to read Kate Chopin's The Awakening before Friday, and I'll be all done with English.

Speaking of which, when is she going to put my work in?!
I have an A in AP Music again. Actually, I have a 99.5%.

FAIL. (haha just kidding. That's great.)

Well I'm going to go get lunch before the non-pride-lunch-crowd. see ya.