Confession No. 1

Sometimes I regret never participating in a sport.

Like today when I walked to and from the library, I watched all the baseball games going on in the city park with one corner of my eye. My first thought being, "how can they STAND those uniforms when it's so hot outside!?" it was soon brushed aside as a kind of longing took over. Being on a team must be really fun. And I've never had that... I guess the closest thing I've ever had to a team is the band, or perhaps my childhood dance classes--but something tells me it's not quite the same thing.

You should have seen these baseball kids! The way they were all running and shouting and high-fiving each other with huge smiles on their faces... no matter if they were winning or losing, these kids were just happy to be there, and they really enjoyed doing something with their teammates. The way it seems to me, playing a sport and being on a team is all about learning how to work together, love each other, joy in triumphs and learn to have each other's backs. Though I guess those are all things you don't just get from sports, still sometimes I think about what it would have been like to at least have done soccer or something. Hmmmm.... I'm glad I'm me, though. And the regret isn't huge. But for the record... sometimes I do wish. :)

So There I Was,

sitting in a tree.

It was a perfectly normal day, which turned out to be extraordinary. The park by my old elementary school is the place I usually go to when I need to get away. Whether I'm upset, extremely bored, or I just need somewhere to think, the park is my place. 

About a week ago, I was having kind of a rough day. I had just broken up with the idea of love, and I was just so sick of the way I'd been living and the things I'd been doing. Mediocrity had never been something I strived for, and yet I was achieving it day after day by neglecting to be extraordinary. My case wasn't horrible, of course, but just "off" enough to bother me. 

So I went to the park. After wandering about for a bit, I found myself climbing that one good tree, cracking open my notebook, clicking my pen, and letting my thoughts go. 

Prior to this, I had been thinking a lot about the different chapters of my life's story. The first chapter from birth to when I moved to Utah was full of vague memories and good times. The elementary school chapter follows, with friends and fun and little-kid-projects and dreams and playdates and a huge life ahead of me. Next came the junior high chapter, and then the chapter consisting of my high school years. I thought that in some ways, I am still the same character from all the previous chapters of my life. I've got friends and drama and extracurriculars and dreams and dates and a big life ahead of me. But the thoughts I had been thinking as of late were all focused on moving on, leaving the high school chapter behind--something the Real Brittney would never dream of doing.

"I'm only eighteen, but already I feel old," I wrote one day in my journal. "High School Brittney is about to be reborn as College Brittney, and I couldn't be more impatient for change." 

Change, change, change. For a long time--a few weeks at the least--I had been almost angry that I was still in high school, still dealing with high school problems and high school drama and a high school mindset. I wanted OUT. I wanted a new school, a new house, a new group of friends, and a new life. I wanted change. I kept slacking off in the most mundane of ways--not getting up in the morning, not caring about doing my homework, etc. Senioritis and a lack of drive had taken over my life, but all of that changed (or at least started to) when I sat in that tree in the park.

There I realized, practically in a sudden burst of inspiration, that the way I had been living was preparing my high school chapter for a cliffhanger ending. After three years of hard work and of exciting new experiences. After three years of sorrows and joys and frustrations and triumphs, I was about to end my senior year as if it were the climax of a novel: in high tensions, incomplete goals, and unanswered questions. 

Maybe in a book, I figured, this adds excitement. It makes readers turn page after page, searching for the resolution to the plot, the happy ending to the story. Knowing that things might very well go wrong for the characters is half the fun of reading, because you also know that no matter what, no book would ever dare to leave you hanging for long. But in real life, cliffhanger endings aren't exciting at all. There is so much more at stake, because you don't know for sure that no matter what, things will turn out alright. You hope they do, and you try to live in a way that would allow them to, but twists in your life's plot happen on their own. And there is no reason to complicate the story by extending the resolution. This is what I had been doing by not enduring to the end. I figured everything would be fine if I could just skip past the end of my high school chapter. 

But the thing is, high school was never meant to be the climax of a person's life. There is so much more to learn, to experience, to love, to cry through and to smile through. Life is a storybook, but with a very different kind of plot than we learn about in English. 

Coming to terms with all of this while sitting in a tree, I had one of those, "look at me go!" moments. I wrote,

"The moment I step down from this tree will be the moment I begin the challenge to endure to the end. I will not end my high school chapter with a cliffhanger ending. While yes, I have only a few weeks left, and yes,  I cannot wait for everything to change, I've decided not to discard the life I currently have to sit around waiting for the one I'll receive in the short future. While I'm ready to move on, I think I've reached the point where I'm okay to stay for a while."

The moral of the story is that things will change for me. Soon. But right now, things are the way they are, and I have only five weeks left of my senior year. Five weeks, five short paragraphs in which to conclude what has been the best chapter of my life so far. The very best. And I'm not about to skip to the ending before I fill every page of the time allotted me. I've got five weeks to go, four band performances to do, three AP classes to finish, two best friends to help me through, and one goal: to endure to the end. 

And all of this, from walking to the park and sitting in a tree. Who knew? It was probably the best idea I've had in quite a long time. :)

Fame is Fleeting

When I was 14 or 15 years old, wherever I would go to play the piano, there'd always be someone there to compliment me and to ask me, "Wow, how old are you!?" the moment I stepped away from the bench. When I'd tell them, I'd watch their jaws drop and hear streams of praise spew out of their mouths like water from a broken faucet. It felt good to have an instant fan-club wherever I went--a little like a celebrity. :) Talent preceeded my years, and fame liked to follow me.

But that was years ago.

Nowadays, even though I'm 18, I still look young enough to pass for 15 or 16. And so, whenever I play the piano somewhere, I'm praised then asked the same question. "Wow, how old are you!?" I respond with "18," but instead of that expression of awe apparent on the askers' faces, I'm greeted with looks of almost-disappointment! Whether it's because I should be younger, or because I should be better, either way I am somehow a let-down to the could-be fans that eagerly ask my age after I play. It's sad, really, how just a few years can turn me from a child piano prodigy to a mediocre ivory-pounder... How fleeting fame is! I almost miss it.

Silly thing.

Right Now 4/14 2:32 p.m.

I don't even know where to start!

Life is crazy, and a lot of things are changing, and lately, I've been feeling a little a LOT overwhelmed. It's just...

Well, High School is finally, almost over--but that's they keyword. ALMOST. I still have most of term 4 left, and I'm afraid I haven't exactly been enduring to the end. I am SO done learning, I've given up on stats, I'm shipping all my homework to Africa, and I refuse to read or put forth any more effort than absolutely necessary. This attitude has taken over my school life as of last month, and I know it's scary, but I {almost} got my first A- last term, and last week I was hours away from not even meeting graduation requirements... Yep, my Senioritis is BAD. Can anyone relate??

But! that changes today. I am doing away with Senioritis. I am coming back to school, for REALS, once Spring Break is over. Really, I promise. :) Give me a week or so and I'll back at it, ripping through coursework and showing myself up every day, just like I used to before everything went all... CRAZY on me.
 I think my new life's ambition can be summed up in this brilliant Pin:

Oh baby, oh baby, just a month and a half more. I CAN DO IT!!! :D

In other news, I've decided to go back to Young Womens. :) Really, Relief Society is wonderful, it truly is, but I think I belong with the Young Women for a little bit longer. It's going to take a lot of courage, but that's what I've decided to do. You can hold me to that.

Also, I'm writing another song! I started transcribing it this week, and hopefully I'll be able to tweak it and finish it sometime soon. I'm in the middle of the piece without an idea of where to go next, but perhaps I'll get some inspiration soon.

Well, I could go on and on about the random details of my life I feel like sharing right now. Like how I am obsessed with Pinterest and that I recently got some WONDERFUL scholarship news. Like how my new favorite color is teal and that Spring is my favorite season even though I am allergic to it sometimes. How I have some really good friends, that the temple is the BEST, and that people change way too quickly for me to even have a HOPE of keeping up. I really could just keep talking forever. But, I'll spare you the life story and wait for another time. :) Now is now, after all, and right now I've got to go do some AP Chemistry homework.

See, I'm already living up to my promise! :)
Hahaha see you around.
;)

Loving You Tonight

New favorite song?
I think so. :)

<3

Have Courage. Be Happy.

Sadness and anger are very closely related.
Anger usually causes sadness, and sadness can often cause anger.
That's why when something bad happens, you can either be sad first, or angry first, but you usually end up as both.

And that's also why it takes real strength, and real courage, to feel neither sadness or anger when something hard comes your way. To feel happy in the face of difficulty takes twice as much effort, but it also proves twice as worth it after the storm has passed. :) Truly, Happiness is a form of courage.

I Hope You See That, Too

Everyone always tells me not to care about what anyone else thinks. "The most important person to impress is yourself."   'Integrity is being the same person in your house as you are on the street.'

But I have a problem with all of these arguments, because the way I see it, you can't just live your life with your hands in the air, going, "I am ME and if you've got a problem with that, I don't CARE!" You can't justify yourself like that. Yes, it's good to love who you are. Yes, it's good to have self-esteem that won't break under the weight of words. But throwing all your cares out the window, accepting yourself by rejecting everyone else... it's not healthy. It's not right. While we should reject the WORLD, we should never reject the spirit.

That said, I'll admit right now that I care about what other people think of me. I care a lot. But the people whose opinions matter most to me are only those people I look up to. My parents, my family, my close friends, my leaders and teachers. I would never judge myself by anyone's standards but theirs, and most importantly, the Lord's.

 So I try to meet their expectations. I try to live up to the person I want to be, someone:

happy,

funny,

smart,
beautiful,

talented,

virtuous,

and kind.

I worry sometimes that I fall short. 

Like when I make a big deal about some little thing, and I'm not so happy. 

Or when I try to act funny and I end up being stupid at least half the time. 

To be smart is a relative term, and I'll admit that once in a while, I'm on the flip side of the card. 

It seems like I'm on the flip side of a lot of different cards a lot of the time.

But I'm trying, and when I fall, I pick myself back up. I brush off the dirt, tie my shoes, and move forward. Though someone's expectations will always be in the back of my mind, I can believe that I am happy, funny, smart, beautiful, talented, virtuous, and kind. And to you, whose opinion matters so much to me, I hope you see that, too.

Because I really do care about what you think of me.

Sing, Sang, Swoon

Lately I have just been feeling so in love with that springy, sing-songy feeling in the air. It's my escape. I feel so grounded, so stuck in reality and trapped in my own cubby that the one thing that makes me feel free is that feeling I get once in a while. You know the one--that feeling that lifts me off my feet and makes me ungrounded, unbounded. It's an escape to some sort of summer fantasy, a dream world where everything is warm and exciting and romantic.

I get it when I smell spring, when I think of summer, when I hear the Samsung text ringtone, when I wear flip flops, and most of all, when I listen to songs like these whose beats bounce me into that separate world and whose melodies paint a smile on my face every single time, without fail.

Let's just say they make me swoon. :)

1 - Say You Like Me
2 - All About Us

3 - What Makes You Beautiful

4 - A Drop In the Ocean

5 - Keep Your Head Up
6 - I Should've Kissed You
7 - Without You
8 - Not Over You

9 - Meteor Shower

10 - Science and Faith