That one insecurity is driving me insane.
Just a lot a bit.
It's not entirely rational, but then again, what insecurity is?
Here is mine, although I don't want to come across as whiney or complaint. It's just something about me that could, maybe, define me a small portion.
Here it is:
There is a part of me. A small part, but a powerful one, that is entirely convinced that some person or another hates me. Usually it is someone I care about, or someone whose opinion I value, or someone I want to be friends with. I'm not exactly sure what the qualifications are, but it is always someone whose relationship with me stands at a nondescript point. Sometimes there are twenty people, other times only one. But there is always someone.
It can be a teacher, or a friend, or a classmate. No matter who it is, the thought plagues me that maybe, possibly, this person doesn't like me. Or doesn't want to be my friend. Or is annoyed by the little things I do, by my very being. I'm afraid of being afraid of, but I think that the person I'm afraid of most is myself.
I'm afraid of myself. I think that this is at the core of my little big insecurity. I think that maybe, I am the person who a part of me is entirely convinced doesn't like me. Not speaking self-esteem or anything, but self-criticality. I am too hard on myself socially, emotionally, sometimes spiritually. I'm not saying that some self-assessment doesn't have its time or place, but perhaps too often I analyze myself in the view of other people. The only view I can see clearly through is my own. So I think it's time that I learn that other people's perspectives shouldn't matter to me, and that it is a pointless struggle to try and assess exactly what someone thinks of me. Because I'm never going to know.
And should that stop me from being happy? Should that stop me from reaching out to people? From being who I am?
Of course it shouldn't.
There will always be someone who thinks I'm annoying. There will always be someone who looks at me with disdain, who wishes I wouldn't talk to them, who holds back because they don't want me to know what they really think. There will always be someone, and there will always be me. But I can ignore that. I can ignore them.
If I just trust Heavenly Father's perspective, and stay true to myself and who I believe myself to be, then I will be happy. I won't be weighed down by possibility. I won't freak out. Though that one insecurity will never leave me, I can handle it.
I can handle it.
*Lather, rinse, repeat*
I can handle it.
