Right Now 4/1 10:11 p.m.

I feel enlightened.

I've had an amazing evening of personal revelation and bonding.

It began with a phone call, and having a conversation with my best friend. We talked about a lot of things, but mainly of our friends. It made me think, it helped me connect better certain ideas with standards and my life.

Then I talked with my mom about one of the things I learned from the phone conversation. She taught me something else, too. Something she said made me reconsider a thought I've had a few times before. I explored that thought all through Octet practice, and I came to a realization and a decision.

I have influence. I didn't realize this to its full effect until tonight, and what I did recognize I had used for my daydreaming and wistful thinking purposes. Tonight I decided to use my influence for good, and a positive example. I transformed my good intentions to commitments I know I will keep.

Right now I am peaceful, and I attribute that to prayer.

Sometimes it's good to stay on your knees for a while without anything particular to say. I know Heavenly Father knows what I'm feeling and thinking, and He understands perfectly. Kneeling there I can just soak up the peace and contentment and joy of having everything worked out. Prayer cleanses the mind. Tonight was another great experience where I begin a prayer, intending to have a long conversation about everything on my mind, but finding soon after beginning that all that needs to be said has already been expressed through a prayer of the heart. I feel like Heavenly Father can, with a snap of his finger, organize my thoughts from disorder to peace and order and a feeling of rightness. It's what I wrote on my rock at EFY: I can share the burden of my thoughts with the Savior, and he knows just what to do with them. I am so grateful for that blessing!

Right Now 4/1 5:33 p.m.

I am contemplative.

Saxophone lesson actually went well. Ray told me he was proud of all the things I've accomplished. I met Brooks officially. Other things.

Prom Drama. HATE IT. I just hate drama, period. Something like that. Also...

Yellow-Green. That is the feeling. I can't remember if I mentioned this, or if it's even possible to explain. Yellow-Green is... a feeling. Not so extreme as dread, not exactly worry, perhaps wistfulness but there is a quiet regret, too. It's an uncomfortable feeling. Cleaning the Nortons, going to Octet and sometimes to my lessons. I come down with Yellow-Green when I don't want to do something, but it's also an isolated feeling. Unsettled. Uncomfortable regret. Longing to be somewhere else. I get this yellow-green kind of ache behind my stomach, on my mind and infecting my hopes for the future. It's a disease, but I don't know how to cure it, without getting away or ignoring it. Yellow-Green is here to stay; and that doesn't change anything about how I view certain aspects of my life.

Anyway. Whatever.

Right Now 4/1 3:16 p.m.

Day 17 - What's going through your head right now.

I am feeling blah.

Not physically ill... just... how I feel a lot of the time when thinking about obligations and worries and stress and rocks.

Jazz again.

Saxophone again.

Octet again.

Everything I'm good at but weighs down my soul.

Sometimes I wonder if I should even be playing the saxophone. Sometimes I wonder if I made a wrong choice playing the instrument, or being involved in jazz, or taking lessons from a good teacher or being part of the Crescent Octet. I think I might've chosen a path contrary to what was planned for me before I came to earth.

But if instrumental music isn't what I'm meant for... than what am I?

Without it I am directionless. With it I am directionless.

Old School Specs

Check these Specs

Day 16: A Silly Photoshoot

Family

Day 15: A photo of you and your family

I would post my Chapter 3 Project Me as well, except that my P.M. essays are terrible. Here are my thoughts on the subject.

1. Brianna is four years younger than me, and four inches taller. We look absolutely nothing alike, although that’s what amazes me about my family; even though we’re different on the outside, people can sense that we’re family. We’ve never been taken for anything other than sisters.

2. There’s me, the eldest of five children and somewhat of a “mother duck” to my younger siblings.

3. I recall countless times where Brayden has approached me and given me a great big hug, saying, “Ditty, I love you. You’re the best sister in the whole wide world!”

4. Brayden is my most sensitive sibling, and probably the most sensitive child in the world. He has big, beautiful brown eyes that melt your heart, and dark, olive skin with dark, coarse hair. He has a heart bigger than you’d think. He genuinely cares for other people, and all he wants to do is be around others. I don’t think he’s ever been alone for more than five minutes his whole life. He spends twelve hours a day playing with friends, and the rest of the time at home he’s asking me constantly, “Brittney, will you play a game with me?”

5. Brevin is a sweet spirit. He’s the youngest, and maybe it’s too soon to tell but I think his personality is a lot like mine. He doesn’t conform to anyone’s rules, even those unwritten by normal childhood behavior. He sleeps whenever he feels like. He eats whenever he wants to (usually never). And he is well-behaved only if it suits him. One thing I’m starting to notice is that he’s like me, in that he is a dreamer. I find him talking to his imaginary friends while he plays outside alone. I find him pacing, dancing to his own rhythm. He goes through stages of hobbies, as I do. Despite not sharing a single genome, he has inherited that unique part of my personality.

6. We’ve gone through six or seven kittens, although one member is permanent: Tarzan, the family cat. We didn’t mean to keep him, he was actually a present for my Grandpa Hallows for fathers day some eight years back. After my grandpa utterly refused to take him, we were stuck.

7. One of the shared characteristics between us is that we’re seasonally obsessive, meaning each individual tends to be really into a few things at a time, then moves on. For me, I trade hobbies. For a couple weeks it will be reading—I’ll go through several novels, or maybe a series in a short period of time, and then the next week I’ll have moved on to something different, like piano improv or something.

8. Bradley is the sports fanatic of the family. He learned to do math from watching ESPN tally the scores. When he watches sports, he'll get five inches from the T.V. and jump around in excitement. Brad is also the spiritual child. He learned to read from reading the book of mormon, he takes his church responsibilities seriously. He hasn't yet turned twelve, but he is already completing his Aaronic Priesthood duties. I look up to my little bro.

I love my family. When I finish the real project, I'll post it all, promise. Then you can read my potentially-deep-and-philosophical-thoughts on family. For now, enjoy the picture and the scrambled thoughts. :)

Day 14

Let me sum up...

Warbreaker was good, except that the "main" storyline was the one I hated most. I always skimmed those chapters, apparently they were the focus of the novel. Whatever.


I stinking love Ender!!!! Nuff said.


You should read it. You really should. I loved it; the paradoxes were so COOL! And the writing was amazing... and the setting was captivating... and yeah. Love love.

Day 14: Books you love that you've read recently.

Brought to You From Orem High

...where I am impatiently awaiting the return of my choir friends who are busy rehearsing during Pride lunch.

I'M BORED!!!

Actually, I finished The Three Musketeers, which is pretty good. Now I just have to read Kate Chopin's The Awakening before Friday, and I'll be all done with English.

Speaking of which, when is she going to put my work in?!
I have an A in AP Music again. Actually, I have a 99.5%.

FAIL. (haha just kidding. That's great.)

Well I'm going to go get lunch before the non-pride-lunch-crowd. see ya.

Scraps

Last night I stayed up till midnight writing an essay I didn't actually turn in. I pitched it in the girls' bathroom, I never should have written it. It was a terrible essay, and likely very untrue. There were two ways to view the incident, and I wrote in the wrong perspective. Note to self: never do that again.

Though the essay as a whole was offensive, I wanted to save the good writing. Here are the snidbits.

1. I try not to keep my own secrets, if I can help it. A truth is a matchstick; when covered, it has the potential to ignite, which burning harms the holder. No doubt it would be better to share the burden of secrets than to confine them; but what of the failure to have secrets in the first place? Secrets are the by-product of misjudgment—whether socially, morally, or on a basis of trust (or lack thereof). But since our society is a judging one, and that judgment is imperfect, there is no judgment without misjudgment. It is foolish to presume that secrets can be obliterated; however, they can be minimized. This minimization is so critical when it comes to forming friendships, keeping relationships, and maintaining social standards.

2. Not after accepting the deception they've created for themselves.

3. Used rather than considered

4. Some are the type of people to make and keep friends easily, whereas my inertia for gaining friends is much higher

5. Prior to that point of realization, I was disinclined to consider...

6. ...onslaught shocked me into a daze

7. What blossomed later in life began as an attack on my endurance

Not that any of that makes sense--it does to me, and I guess that's what matters.


***Post-Edit***
Well, I WAS planning on posting Day 14 as well, but no thanks to a certain bass player, my mood is ruined.

Honestly... I don't care what the Octet thinks of me anymore. Every person in there knows I'm terrible, I'm the weak link, yadda yadda yadda. But to point it out? I thought that was rude. At least it wasn't in front of everyone. Just, as I walked to my car, "Awesome job tonight, Brittney."


You know that feeling where you KNOW someone is trying to make you feel bad? His double-edged sarcasm hurt. Not a lot, though, because I don't deny having played horribly tonight. But I do feel bad about not being good enough to be worthy of the group. I wish there was a way to drop out... I don't even LIKE jazz music! I don't belong there.

I must be doing something wrong. I believe Heavenly Father placed me in the Octet for a reason, and I don't think I'm accomplishing what I should. IF only... I don't know. I get so confused whenever I'm there, I hardly know what to feel, let alone think.

Someone take me out.

***Post-Post Edit 3/24***

Well... now I feel lame. I'm SO OVER-ANALYTICAL!!!

The Octet doesn't CARE if I fail at jazz. They don't CARE if I don't like jazz, or if I solo poorly, or if I don't know any answers or have anything argumentatively constructive to say... These are musicians, they'll accept anything unless it's their place to judge!

They want me to go on a gig with them. (What?!) The bass player probably wasn't being sarcastic. (Double What?!) They liked the song I picked out to transcribe. (triple... WHAT?!!!)

Huh. I've been saying this a lot lately, but...

my logic is flawed. I might need to reconsider finding a better

p e r s p e c t i v e.

Because apparently, everything I perceive is transformed into something...

e l s e.

*sigh*

Day 13

Your favorite musician and why.

Um, get back to me in like thirty years? These things are so hard to decide, here's the best I could come up with.

Jazz: Clifford Brown -- he's tasty. :D
Pop jazz solo: Michael Buble -- love his arrangements, the big band in the back, and his VOICE... Baroque: BACH. Who else?
Romantic: Rachmoninoff. LOVE THOSE CHORDS (see: Prelude in c# minor)
Contemporary: George Gershwin. Great melodies, a jazzical style.
20th Century: I havn't heard a lot, but I know I love the genre, and I like Muczynski.
Neoclassical: Jon Schmidt? Question mark because, now that he is everyone else's hero, he's not really mine. His less-played music is great, though! Love Bonus Tracks.
New Age: ME! (David Lanz fails, and I haven't heard anyone else).

There ya go. :)

An Allegory of Color

*click for better quality*
Day 12: A photo of something that represents you

Day 11

What's in your makeup bag?

Um. Well. That's awkward.

*** INSTEAD ***

. . . is my favorite book right now. Or... subject matter.

Here's the spiel:

I am a characterized blue-white, almost exact.

My mom is a healthy blue with white.

My sister's best friend is pure, healthy yellow.

My sister is a slightly-sick charactered red-white.

One of my best friends is a healthy blue-yellow split exact.

The other is a characterized yellow with strong blue.

My uncle is a pure red.

My brother is a purist, and blue-white.

My younger brother is a healthy blue-yellow.

My youngest brother is yellow.

My dad is a healthy red-blue.

I could go on for a while...

Basically. I'm obsessed. Like, a LOT. I love love love defining personality, especially when someone has already done the hard stuff for me (thanks Taylor Hartman, Ph. D!!). Using HIS system I can fairly accurately define most people around me, and I love doing it because it helps me understand them better.

For example, last night my sister and I stayed up till 1:30 talking, and while we were doing so, I realized that she was a red-white. This explained everything!! All of a sudden the way she acted, which formery seemed so alien and impractical now makes perfect sense. Not justification, just explanation.

One thing about it, though: it isn't entirely accurate. For instance, Hartman insists that you can only have ONE dominant personality motive. I don't think that's true, because the choices are: power, intimacy, peace, and fun. I'm not really any of them. My motives, needs, and wants are all over his table. Behaviorally I am exact blue-white. My motives morally are blue. My motives socially are white-red. My motives relationship-wise are blue-white. At girls' camp, I am a pure yellow. At home, I'm usually yellow-white-blue-red (in that order). At school I am white, but sometimes red or yellow. With friends I am blue-yellow-red. With people I don't know very well I am white. Basically, I am ALL OVER THE PLACE.

But that doesn't diminish my wonder for The Color Code. I think it's brilliant, not too complex, and very fun to do.

Not that any of you care. Actually, I don't know why I wrote all this. It was for me, but whatever. Revised Day 11: Something you're obsessed with.

I Hate Word Games

They make me feel incredulously stupid (ignore the big word).

Like the camping game ("WE'RE GOING CAMPING! What are you bringing?!").
It's a word game where you can bring some things, but can't bring others. You try to figure out the rule.

But it's so unrealistic!!

Get this: I can't bring Sabrina, but I can bring Ina. AND THEY'RE THE SAME PERSON!!!!

Oh my gosh I was getting so mad. And, okay, the reason why I was getting all hyped up was because I couldn't figure out the rule. Like I said, I have certain mental inhibitions that drive me insane ("why didn't I think of that!??"). I am utterly astounded by my lack of cognitive or constructive thinking, which I often discover but rebury because the condition is unfavorable.

I read this essay called "Intellect" by Ralph Waldo Emerson. First things, the essay was brilliant (despite its many contradictions), but I really attached myself to this view of intellect constructive vs. intellect receptive.

The essay held that most people have only intellect receptive, at best. A genius is someone with intellect constructive, that is, the ability to combine facts, emotions, and current situations into original, coherent thoughts. I read this, and marked it bright purple. It's something I can relate to.

At the time I believed that I had part of this intellect constructive. After all, I get the glossy "that was deep" look all the time from people who aren't used to me, and sometimes even friends who ARE. I flattered myself a genius.

Alas. I was sorely mistaken. If I can't put two and two together to find the rule for word games, or even come close to considering wondering about something remotely relatable... Then I must be mediocre. Or worse... incredulously stupid.

I include the word "incredulous" for a reason. I speak of mental inhibitions, in that, I have a hard time being original. I glean everything I write, speak, play, and think off what someone else shows me. Again, so much for intellect constructive; not even a thought is my own. I am inauthentic and base in my intelligence, and--can you believe it?--I further handicap myself by refusing to accept other modes of thought aside from previous ones. I hate progress, apparently, and I hate that.

Why am I so stubborn?

Back to word games. "Look how ANGRY she's getting!" one of my friends exclaims. "Don't you get it?" they all wanted to know. "Double syllables?" Really? I'm that stupid? I performed my best distraught sketch, falling over onto Cambry's shoulder, half-laughing, half-self-condemning. My friends tried to mediate my inner crisis, but no one really made me feel better.

"It's okay, Brittney, I don't get it either," they tried to say.

Well, how on Earth does your lack of mental function relate to mine?! I screamed in my head.

I'm obviously still upset about it, and you know what's worse? I feel stupid feeling upset about being stupid. I repeat: I hate word games when I'm the one playing. Publicly failing is something I can handle, but when my intellectual capacity is involved?

That's a little much.

Day 10

Something you don't leave the house without


You will not catch me dead without one of these. I usually have one in my pocket, one in my jacket, one in my purse or backpack, and sometimes I have one in my instrument case. I likely have seven in my room, and my mom's always complaining that she can't find any because I take them all. I am a lip balm theif, but with good reason! I use it probably thirty times a day, if not more. In the rare case that I forget to go somewhere prepared, even if it's twenty feet away from my house, I practically have a conniption. I'm addicted to lip gloss/balm/chapstick. It is a bare necessity of life.

Nuff said.

Day 9 (Among other things)

Day 9: A photo of the item you most recently purchased

It cost me fifty cents at Macey's. A bunch of us met up to celebrate Scott's birthday, and to hang for a bit. :) p.s. Scott's game face is my favorite... haha


I spawned an idea today!: Courage is not the strength to follow celestial laws over temporal. It is to live up to celestial expectations, for all expectations are higher than laws. Laws are born of expectations. It is when we need the law, for not having strength to meet the expectation, when we descend to a truly mortal situation and become cowards. I am human, could it be an insult? But as a coward looking up, I see now that great is the man and his courage who can meet the expectations without first needing the law. To ascend to that greatness is the ultimate goal.

I also fell in love with a progression (to be written soon?): i VI VII iv i VI VII v i (optional V for v) Improv is my favorite thing ever. Just saying.

Day 8: My Dream Wedding...

...Will happen here:

(photo by Rick Satterfield)

. . . to a husband who was one of these:

. . . and will happen in November, August, or February.

Colors? Either:

1. Black, white, and pink

2. Gold, white, and red

or

3. Silver, deep and pastel purples

Reception? Held either in my ward building, my best friend's back yard, or a reception center

Honeymoon? Somewhere warm with beaches. If it's in Europe, then it's a plus.

Dress? Something extravagantly simple. No, that's not an oxymoron. I want it a plain A-cut (the bottom flares out) with modest sleeves and beautiful embroidery on the top. Hair done half up in loose curls. Tiara.

Day 7

Love this.

2Cellos Smooth Criminal

(music starts around :30)

Day 7: A song to match your mood

Day 6

Day 6: Fifteen facts about you

1. I am a musician. I play piano, alto and soprano saxophones, clarinet, and a little bit of flute. I wish I knew how to play the cello.
2. I love to read. I recently finished Pathfinder, by Orson Scott Card, and loved it. Anything by Brandon Sanderson is gold, and Brandon Mull is amazing as well. Some other favorites are in the sidebar if you're looking for a good read!
3. I love to compose. Music, words, ideas, whatever. I'll sit down at the piano and play around with a melody or progression forever; similarly, I'll develop an idea by speaking it out loud again and again. Some might call that daydreaming.
4. Being busy makes me feel important and productive. Even though I get stressed when I have too much to do, I'd take the stress over the boredom ANY DAY. After all, to do is to be.
5. I like onions. A lot. But not if they're plain...
6. I plan on attending BYU full-ride and graduating cum laude. Unless an angel appears in my room and instructs me to do otherwise.
7. I want to go on a mission. Places I'd love to go: Spain, Germany, Japan.
8. I wish I knew how to write. More on that later.
9. I recently won an Outstanding Soloist award from the Peaks Jazz Festival.
10. Learning of the history of science and psychology is a passion of mine.
11. I entered Reflections this year in music composition, and my entry is currently being judged at the State level.
12. I wear size 6 1/2 shoes.
13. I am adopted, and secretly believe that my birthmother and I were friends in heaven. How else could she love me so much to give me to the family I was meant to be with?
14. I work best at night, but I also procrastinate most at night. A compromising set of traits for homework.
15. I have an alter-ego. See: Girls Camp, Young Womens, Band Tour, etc.

;)

Day 5

Day 5: A photo of yourself

Day 4

Day 4: Your favorite photograph(s) of your best friend(s)

I am terrible at taking/getting pictures of my besties. This is basically all I have, but I plan to take LOTS more this week on tour!!! If you haven't heard...

I'm goin' to DISNEYLAND!!! With Sabrina and Cambry and Amy and Shanessa and Ashley and Jessica and yeah!!! It's going to be the best. Ever.
















Cambry and Me
















Sabrina and Me

I love my besties!! <3